The M&M Story

Today is November 7, a day that will always represent one of the most defining moments in my family's life. Fourteen years in Heaven. It was roughly 1:15 in the afternoon when Brian gave his last breath on Earth. It was a Monday, and that afternoon and for many years to come, I found myself begging and praying to God:  Please don’t let anything happen to me. I need to be healthy, strong, and alive for my boys, at least until they live on their own. Please, please, please don’t let me get sick.  As I reflect on that time, I know how traumatized I was, allowing my fear to own me. At some point, the feeling and prayers became less frantic because I learned to tuck the fear away. I guess I had hoped it would just disappear.  This year, as most of you know, has been a journey for my whole family. We have worked together to face challenges, and, yes, we have all grown. But the fear that I so carefully stuffed into the deepest part of my heart? Well, it never did disappear and has been i

In any crisis, we may ask, "Why?" As rational humans, we crave the why because it helps make sense of our world, the reasons, even the chance to possibly predict the outcome and to maintain control of the crisis. And though I don't have any definitive answers, what I do have is a reflective experience. For the most part, the why may or may not be answered in this lifetime. However, what I have discovered is the pause to stop in the midst and catapult oneself to 30,000 feet, alleviating the intensity to let God show you a glimpse of what He is doing. There is always a purpose, great purpose, divine purpose. I confidently say that because I see His blessings and hand everywhere. In how my community adds to the beauty of God's story for my life. In rich conversations. In messages. In people's generous hearts as they dig deep within themselves and ask, "what can I do to help?" My forever friend Kristen, since we were 15 years old, who has walked with me in

It's 2019. Once upon a time, it was 2005. What do these two years have in common? Calorie-free decadent chocolate torte with rich vanilla bean ice cream? Free manis and pedis for all? It doesn't hurt to dream a little. Instead, these two amazing years of God's faithfulness encapsulate the common theme of.....cancer. Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I know, right? I mean, one would think that losing a spouse to terminal cancer with two littles still in diapers would ensure a "Get Out of Cancer Free" card for the rest of this human life. But as I learned many moons ago, God never promises us a comfortable life. He wants our hearts, our trust, our everything. And His promises are true and He is faithful. Always. I'm facing my biggest fear for the first time in 14 years. Since Brian's homecoming, any time I have faced a medical related issue, my blood pressure elevated, my body exploded in hives, and my stomach performed endless back flips. I

It's time to start blogging again. It has a been crazy, crazy year with summer now upon us, and I'm excited to be with my family. Ice tea and gardening. Family projects and travels. Movies and books. And so many stories already. At some point at the inception of summer break, Max and Todd had an interesting interchange that has evolved into a family summer reading challenge. Max, an avid reader, says to Todd, rather randomly: You know how you say you don't read very much, Dad?  Todd: Um, yes? Max: Well, maybe you should read more. I challenge you to read ten books this summer. If you read ten, I will pay you a reward. Max is so much like Brian! We can lose him for hours, only to find him either with his head buried in an engaging book or in a delicious game of Minecraft. This challenge sparked quite the conversation, and it evolved into all four of us planning to read ten books this summer. In partners (Max-Todd, Briggs-Susan), we decided each will choose five books f

Todd has been in the water since he was four, with summer leagues, winter leagues, high school swim team, even lifeguarding. My boys, on the other hand, prefer playing at the pool in the summer, maybe with a few lessons thrown in the mix. This summer, however, we abandoned our safe little pool play and entered into the world of summer swim team.  Oy. Last spring, Todd accepted a position to be the head coach at a local swim and tennis club , one that his grandparents actually founded. And part of the deal when he decided to do this was that the boys would have to swim on the team for at least one season. We explained to them that many of the swimmers swam year round and all had been on a swim team before. The boys were definitely the newbies. Fine, they said. We'll do it. Early morning practices and lane rope set-ups; 50 free, 50 breast and relays; diving off the block and DQ's---so many new things to learn and new experiences to grow and shape us. All of us. I consider m

The past few weeks, I've had the absolute pleasure of editing my son's fifth grade recognition video. We were brand new to this school last year, and it hasn't been the easiest year of our lives. Adjustments, navigating through change, making new friends--it can be taxing, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. We've grieved being away from "home" and our community in St. Louis. We've reminded ourselves over and over again of God's calling on our lives, that He wants us here, and we are to be faithful to His calling. Like Isaac. Like Abraham. Like all those before us who stepped out in faith, even when it didn't make sense to anyone except God. Being the new kid myself at the school, I had no idea who was in charge of what, and somehow, because God truly does know our hearts, the whole video landed right in my lap. As I've edited this week, watching baby pictures morph into school pictures and listening to beautiful songs about dreamin

Dearest B: Your twinkly eyes delight us. Your endless chatter entertains us. Your feisty spirit challenges us. Your artistic hand blesses us. Your compassionate heart encourages us. What a gift you are to us.  We love you like a circle--endless and always.  Mom, Dad, and Max I remember our summers in the sandbox as if they were yesterday.... ....you are growing into a tender warrior.

"Mom, can we play the iPad?" The daily question. "Mom, please don't interrupt me and hear my reasoning. I think we should play the iPad because..." Well, I did teach them to present an argument with at least three reasons. "Mom, I figured out that PhotoStory app and I really want to work on my story, so can I use the iPad?" Ummm...problem-solving, creativity, and story design. "I'm just going to check the weather....." For the 10th time today?? "May I practice my math facts?" Which translates into can-I-practice-for-five-minutes-and-then-play-Minecraft. "Happy Valentine's Day, Mom.  Check your e-mail. We sent you our cards."

Romans. Week One. Blessings and growing pains come in all shapes, forms and convictions. For the month of March, I committed to read the first eight chapters of Romans with a group of women. I only know two of them, and we all live in different parts of the country. We are to read, reflect, absorb the Word and share online. I thought: “Yes! Yes! I need this. With our move, I feel like I’ve traveled to a distant land, left wandering around lost and confused.  This will be good for my soul!” But good intentions is my secret middle name. The first day of March rolled in with sunshine and First Friday adventures at the Bottoms, and my Bible stayed buried under books and papers on the chest next to my bed.  Second day, family adventures to Zona Rosa and a late night of Beyond Balderdash, filled with laughter and ice cream. No reading. No reflecting. No anything. By day four, as I waded my way through a sea of laundry, I admitted I was a total slacker. Instead of diving into the rich Word

March Madness St. Patrick's Day The Ides of March Boston Massacre Lent Daylight Savings Time Happy Birthday, Dr. Suess! First Walk in Space There are numerous events in history that have been labeled important enough to appear on calendars. We look forward to them, we anticipate them, we even plan months in advance for them. March certainly has its share, filled with basketball games, green beer, and sometimes Easter egg hunts. For me, March has never been an easy month. I often approach it with trepidation, bracing myself for something awful, like having to walk on a bridge of glass or be a middle school student once again. Most of my fear is rooted in loss and grief and sadness. A little more than a decade ago, my father passed away unexpectedly on a chilly afternoon in early March. I still fiercely miss him. My first husband was unexpectedly diagnosed with terminal cancer just weeks after our 10 month old was baptized. I still remember reeling from

I can't remember where I found this, but then I added, tweaked, rearranged.  And I don't have any pictures, which seems to be an essential in the blog world. Sorry. Todd and I both loved this. M and B, not so much. They prefer Trader Joe's Tomato Soup. Perfect for a chilly evening. Add a side of a creative grilled cheese--try a unique bread, a smoky cheddar or swiss, or maybe basil/tomato/mozzarella combination. Smoky Tomato Basil Soup 3 cloves of garlic, minced 2 tablespoons of basil olive oil (or you can use regular, I just like the accent basil flavor) 2 - 14 oz. cans of Muir Glen Fire Roasted diced tomatoes 1 - 14 oz. can of organic diced tomatoes 2 cups of stock (beef, but you could use chicken or vegetable) 1 tsp of applewood or hickory smoked sea salt 1 tsp of agave 1/2 tsp of fresh ground black pepper splash of liquid smoke 1/4 cup of heavy cream 3 tablespoons of fresh basil, chopped or even the frozen cubes from TJ's. shaved parmesan cheese In a saucepan, sa

1.  Max stayed home sick from school today. 2.  Briggs was jealous. 3.  Max and Briggs argued and fought when Briggs got home from school. 4.  Max and Briggs reconciled. Here is the note I found after the reconciliation: Max, When I hurt you, I still love you. I just over react a little. I am sorry for all the acts. Will you forgive me? Feel better!  Here is a present for you! (a sorry present) Briggs Upon further investigation, I found out that Briggs had presented Max with some polished rocks.  Max immediately forgave Briggs, and then Max shared some of his polished rocks with Briggs. I love the simplicity of boys.

Not long ago, I attended a memorial service for a great man I once knew in college.  His wife, also a dear friend from college, and I had been communicating the last weeks before his passing. One of the things I encouraged her to do was to plan his memorial service as a family. This was something we did with Brian and is one of the sweetest moments I remember from his last days with us on Earth. Surrounded by his closest friends, it was a little bit like: "let's plan a party for you, but we know you won't be there because you'll already be with Jesus." The thing about memorial services is that they are sad. People grieve. Everyone cries. It is the jarring reality that his life is now over and we won't see him again for the rest of earthly journey. Ever. But, it is also a celebration and an opportunity to reflect on the power of the cross. It is a sobering moment to remember we are not in control. We are mortal and fallible and dust. And a sobering moment t

Food is a big deal in our house. When my peeps were little and I was all on my own, I swore I would not feed them Mac-n-Cheese nor Chicken Nuggets every night. Yes, that was mostly motivated by pride, but still, I wanted them to have as much a normal life with one parent as I could provide. If Brian had been around, we would not be having Mac-n-Cheese nor Chicken Nuggets every night, so I was going to try my best to be more creative.  I mean, sometimes it was insane---trying to keep the peace between two toddlers, while trying to prepare something remotely nutritious, while trying not to make the biggest mess (knowing it was me to do the dishes later), while trying to not be bitter and mad and all about me that I was doing this alone.  Good thing God is in the business of being present in our lives. He was quite helpful on many occasions. All three of us made it through those first years eating broccoli, salad, pasta, frittatas, even lentils. To this day, my heart leaps when I get a re

This is something different for me. I'm not really sure I've ever written about parenting, but....I had some thoughts and, well, here they are. I have followed and read Howard Gardner's work since the early days of my teaching and parenting career.   Gardner is best known for his research and work with the multiple intelligences , a philosophy of thought that has come into mainstream education, most especially with the explosion of tech tools.   As a parent, I've often reflected on my learned (and practiced) teaching philosophies and attempted to integrate them into the great calling of raising boys. I'm wonderfully blessed with a creative visual-spatial learner and a vibrant verbal-linguistic learner. Yes, we build and chat and build and chat and build and chat. In his book 5 Minds for the Future: Cultivating Thinking Skills , Gardner reflects on our new society: “…We must immediately expand our vision beyond standard educational institutions. In our cultures of

Yes, I'm thankful. For my Savior. For my husband. For my children. For my sanity, on most days. For my new (old) mid-century modern sofa and chair. For my friends, both new and for always. For my brother. For TJ's dark chocolate almonds.  And for those moments when I experience His acute presence in my life.  Today, in the crisp light of the morning, a long ago friend from college entered the pearly gates of Heaven. His wife and children and parents, all by his side.   And I'm thankful.  Thankful that today there is a celebration in Heaven.  Thankful that today my sweet friend and her children will experience love from so many.  Thankful that though the days ahead will be filled with sorrow and grief, it will be showered by blessings.   And as I approach this Thanksgiving holiday, I'm thankful for my sufferings. For my teardrops. For my uncomfortable moments. For my grief. It is in those that I often experience His great presence.  And it is in those that

Last weekend, my sweet cousin got married. She was born when I was 20 years old and I have so many fond memories of her being the adorable, sassy sunshine of the family.  She married her love, they've bought a house together, and she's planning on starting grad school in the spring. All in her first year of marriage. The adventure begins. This reminded me so much of another life I once led--before babies, before cancer, before widowhood, before falling in love again.  My first year of marriage to Brian. What an amazing growing experience. On our first anniversary---the paper anniversary---Brian presented me with the most priceless gift a young wife could want. No, it wasn't a blank check to go on a trip or a shopping spree. Or blueprints for a new house. Or really anything that resembled something tangible. Instead, it was a beautiful expression of grace penned from his own hand. He had written an article on marriage.  And he had been published in the St. Louis Post-Dispat