Faithful

This past month I have faced two birthdays, a one year anniversary, and Easter. My emotions have ridden a roller coaster, and I have wanted to run away again and again because this whole thing really, really hurts. Ten years ago last month, God took my dad home, and I really loved my dad. He was funny and loving and creative and interesting, and I always felt safe with him. Five months ago, God took my husband home, and I really loved my Brian. He was funny and loving and creative and interesting, and I always felt safe with him. And I know God is more loving and more creative and more interesting than either Brian or my dad could ever be. And safety? Where else would I want to be but in the arms of my Savior? But sometimes it's hard to know that or even to feel His arms around me. It's that whole "kinesthetic learner" problem I have.

These past few weeks, I have realized how hard it is to be a single person...again--no one to fix my coffee in the morning, no one to help me fight my battles, or no one to sharpen me and yet love me. I have also realized how dangerous expectations can be. For our first anniversary, Brian wrote an article on marriage, and one of his main points was, "Never have expectations." He's right. Having expectations, especially when grief is at its pinnacle, can be destructive. Except for Him, who never falls short. And aren't we supposed to seek Him in everything? I keep reminding myself of that, as I beg for His forgiveness in the midst of this life. I continue to learn that grace abounds and His love reaches the deepest parts of my heart. And that He is always faithful, especially when things of this world make absolutely no sense.

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