Better than anything else I ever dreamt of being

M: "You used to be a little boy, and you grew up to be my daddy."

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Another Year in Heaven

This past Friday, November 7th, marked the three year anniversary of Brian's Homecoming. And my family is together, happy and healthy. What a testament to my Father, whose promises are faithful and true, and to His perfection and plan for a life that seems chaotic and scary. This year I experienced peace. Deep breathing peace. Yes, I miss Brian, probably always will, but it doesn't ache so intensely anymore. It's restful and quiet, a graceful tugging every now and then on my heart, not an iron grip, squeezing tirelessly. As I reflect on the past three years, I see just how big of a mess I was. To those first months when life felt like Tom's Twister. Focus, breathe, take a step forward, wait I'm dizzy. To the first year, then the second, when reality stampeded over my life, and I did everything to avoid broken bones. To today, the beginnings of the fourth year without my sweet Brian, when I'm hopeful for new beginnings and new endeavors. Life is but a...
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Once Upon a November

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Today is November 7, a day that will always represent one of the most defining moments in my family's life. Fourteen years in Heaven. It was roughly 1:15 in the afternoon when Brian gave his last breath on Earth. It was a Monday, and that afternoon and for many years to come, I found myself begging and praying to God:  Please don’t let anything happen to me. I need to be healthy, strong, and alive for my boys, at least until they live on their own. Please, please, please don’t let me get sick.  As I reflect on that time, I know how traumatized I was, allowing my fear to own me. At some point, the feeling and prayers became less frantic because I learned to tuck the fear away. I guess I had hoped it would just disappear.  This year, as most of you know, has been a journey for my whole family. We have worked together to face challenges, and, yes, we have all grown. But the fear that I so carefully stuffed into the deepest part of my heart? Well, it never did disappear and ...
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Add to the Beauty

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In any crisis, we may ask, "Why?" As rational humans, we crave the why because it helps make sense of our world, the reasons, even the chance to possibly predict the outcome and to maintain control of the crisis. And though I don't have any definitive answers, what I do have is a reflective experience. For the most part, the why may or may not be answered in this lifetime. However, what I have discovered is the pause to stop in the midst and catapult oneself to 30,000 feet, alleviating the intensity to let God show you a glimpse of what He is doing. There is always a purpose, great purpose, divine purpose. I confidently say that because I see His blessings and hand everywhere. In how my community adds to the beauty of God's story for my life. In rich conversations. In messages. In people's generous hearts as they dig deep within themselves and ask, "what can I do to help?" My forever friend Kristen, since we were 15 years old, who has walked with me in...
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