The M&M Story

In any crisis, we may ask, "Why?" As rational humans, we crave the why because it helps make sense of our world, the reasons, even the chance to possibly predict the outcome and to maintain control of the crisis. And though I don't have any definitive answers, what I do have is a reflective experience. For the most part, the why may or may not be answered in this lifetime. However, what I have discovered is the pause to stop in the midst and catapult oneself to 30,000 feet, alleviating the intensity to let God show you a glimpse of what He is doing. There is always a purpose, great purpose, divine purpose. I confidently say that because I see His blessings and hand everywhere. In how my community adds to the beauty of God's story for my life. In rich conversations. In messages. In people's generous hearts as they dig deep within themselves and ask, "what can I do to help?" My forever friend Kristen, since we were 15 years old, who has walked with me in

It's 2019. Once upon a time, it was 2005. What do these two years have in common? Calorie-free decadent chocolate torte with rich vanilla bean ice cream? Free manis and pedis for all? It doesn't hurt to dream a little. Instead, these two amazing years of God's faithfulness encapsulate the common theme of.....cancer. Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I know, right? I mean, one would think that losing a spouse to terminal cancer with two littles still in diapers would ensure a "Get Out of Cancer Free" card for the rest of this human life. But as I learned many moons ago, God never promises us a comfortable life. He wants our hearts, our trust, our everything. And His promises are true and He is faithful. Always. I'm facing my biggest fear for the first time in 14 years. Since Brian's homecoming, any time I have faced a medical related issue, my blood pressure elevated, my body exploded in hives, and my stomach performed endless back flips. I

Sometimes I think if I breathe too deeply the bottom on my life is going to fall out, and I'll start plummeting down into a dark abyss, much like Alice and her infamous rabbit hole. I only say that because right now, things are good.  Really, really, really good. And I'm not sure how I feel about that or even how to respond. Recently, we found out we were moving to a new place, like in a new city that is not St. Louis. I think it sent a rippling shock through my extended community, as I'm sure most people thought I'd never leave where I was. Too much here, roots running deep, family, a legacy to leave. But. This means a new start for my little family. An amazing job for my husband. A new house for me (no rehab, at least this time). A new community where there are no expectations of who we were in our past life....the widow, the little boys who lost their dad, a Hauser (my family name that runs through the roots of the Christian community in St. Louis). A commu