The M&M Story

Today is November 7, a day that will always represent one of the most defining moments in my family's life. Fourteen years in Heaven. It was roughly 1:15 in the afternoon when Brian gave his last breath on Earth. It was a Monday, and that afternoon and for many years to come, I found myself begging and praying to God:  Please don’t let anything happen to me. I need to be healthy, strong, and alive for my boys, at least until they live on their own. Please, please, please don’t let me get sick.  As I reflect on that time, I know how traumatized I was, allowing my fear to own me. At some point, the feeling and prayers became less frantic because I learned to tuck the fear away. I guess I had hoped it would just disappear.  This year, as most of you know, has been a journey for my whole family. We have worked together to face challenges, and, yes, we have all grown. But the fear that I so carefully stuffed into the deepest part of my heart? Well, it never did disappear and ...

In any crisis, we may ask, "Why?" As rational humans, we crave the why because it helps make sense of our world, the reasons, even the chance to possibly predict the outcome and to maintain control of the crisis. And though I don't have any definitive answers, what I do have is a reflective experience. For the most part, the why may or may not be answered in this lifetime. However, what I have discovered is the pause to stop in the midst and catapult oneself to 30,000 feet, alleviating the intensity to let God show you a glimpse of what He is doing. There is always a purpose, great purpose, divine purpose. I confidently say that because I see His blessings and hand everywhere. In how my community adds to the beauty of God's story for my life. In rich conversations. In messages. In people's generous hearts as they dig deep within themselves and ask, "what can I do to help?" My forever friend Kristen, since we were 15 years old, who has walked with me in...

It's 2019. Once upon a time, it was 2005. What do these two years have in common? Calorie-free decadent chocolate torte with rich vanilla bean ice cream? Free manis and pedis for all? It doesn't hurt to dream a little. Instead, these two amazing years of God's faithfulness encapsulate the common theme of.....cancer. Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I know, right? I mean, one would think that losing a spouse to terminal cancer with two littles still in diapers would ensure a "Get Out of Cancer Free" card for the rest of this human life. But as I learned many moons ago, God never promises us a comfortable life. He wants our hearts, our trust, our everything. And His promises are true and He is faithful. Always. I'm facing my biggest fear for the first time in 14 years. Since Brian's homecoming, any time I have faced a medical related issue, my blood pressure elevated, my body exploded in hives, and my stomach performed endless back flips. I ...