The M&M Story

In the middle of wrapping paper and gifts this Christmas morning: B: Max, I always want to love you. M: Well, when you love me, you always knock me down. (as in a hug) A lovely Christmas celebration this year. I was blessed to see my little boys love on each other and love on others. And as I've reflected on this season, I'm humbled to see God's redemptive hand in so many corners of my life. Recently, M shared with me some thoughts about Brian, how he missed him and what Brian must look like now that he was in heaven. And then in his quiet, reflective way, he expressed his love and trust and respect for a special friend of ours, a man whom he's known since he was born (and who knew Brian). In his own words: "I think of him like a dad." Rather beautiful and graceful of God, I must say. He's faithful to the big picture of Christmas and to the small picture of each individual child that He calls His own. Have a very Merry Christmas.

my little family Originally uploaded by smaynor I rarely get a family picture as I tend to be the photographer, but my mom graciously offered and I like this one. Merry Christmas all.

first day of school Originally uploaded by smaynor A little late. First day of school for M and B. First grade, full day. JK, three full days. Rock star brothers.

IMG_4128 Originally uploaded by smaynor Halloween fun. Fire Pit. Turkey Dogs. Costumes. S'mores. Candy. Fellowship.

This past Friday, November 7th, marked the three year anniversary of Brian's Homecoming. And my family is together, happy and healthy. What a testament to my Father, whose promises are faithful and true, and to His perfection and plan for a life that seems chaotic and scary. This year I experienced peace. Deep breathing peace. Yes, I miss Brian, probably always will, but it doesn't ache so intensely anymore. It's restful and quiet, a graceful tugging every now and then on my heart, not an iron grip, squeezing tirelessly. As I reflect on the past three years, I see just how big of a mess I was. To those first months when life felt like Tom's Twister. Focus, breathe, take a step forward, wait I'm dizzy. To the first year, then the second, when reality stampeded over my life, and I did everything to avoid broken bones. To today, the beginnings of the fourth year without my sweet Brian, when I'm hopeful for new beginnings and new endeavors. Life is but a

milky way galaxy Originally uploaded by smaynor One afternoon this fall, M designed his own version of the Milky Way galaxy. What you can't see are Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto. They are in the bottom right part of the patio, just a little too much out of my range for the photo. What surprised me was that he knew all the planets and in order. Love my spatial/visual child.

I'm all about finding grace in every moment of my life. A monumental endeavor for a task-oriented, approval-addicted person such as me. That's why I decided to make it priority. And I just finished _Grace Eventually_ by Anne Lamott and _Sin Boldly: A Field Guide to Grace_ by Cathleen Falsani, two extraordinary reads by two extraordinary women. It took me 27 years to finally grasp any sort of understanding of grace. I distinctly recall driving home in LA traffic - down Veteran Avenue in Century City, when I began weeping. I mean pull-over-to-the-side-of-the-road weeping. Only one other moment like that have I had and that was about cancer and Brian and dying and saying good-bye. Uncontrollable crying. Headache-will-soon-follow crying. Freedom crying. Full of Grace crying. In that beautiful moment did I understand that there was absolutely nothing that would change my standing with Christ, stop trying to do and just begin to be. Of course, that moment so etched in m