The M&M Story

Cousins Originally uploaded by Maynor . On the beautiful Easter morning of 2006, I accompanied the Peter Maynor family to the Jewel Box in Forest Park. It has become a tradition to take Easter pictures of the cousins at this location, which is exceptionally stunning this time of year. We found what may have been an entrance to something at the World's Fair, a curved wall with pillars and a gate, and started taking pictures. Uncle Peter began doing cartwheels and other crazy stunts while the three bigger cousins watched. Then we heard their beautiful, organic laughs.

This past month I have faced two birthdays, a one year anniversary, and Easter. My emotions have ridden a roller coaster, and I have wanted to run away again and again because this whole thing really, really hurts. Ten years ago last month, God took my dad home, and I really loved my dad. He was funny and loving and creative and interesting, and I always felt safe with him. Five months ago, God took my husband home, and I really loved my Brian. He was funny and loving and creative and interesting, and I always felt safe with him. And I know God is more loving and more creative and more interesting than either Brian or my dad could ever be. And safety? Where else would I want to be but in the arms of my Savior? But sometimes it's hard to know that or even to feel His arms around me. It's that whole "kinesthetic learner" problem I have. These past few weeks, I have realized how hard it is to be a single person...again--no one to fix my coffee in the morning, no one

It's interesting what you can accomplish when you are the only one who has the ability to do it. I recently realized how lazy I had become being married to Brian. I would find all these things that I couldn't do (more like things I didn't want to do) and give them to Brian as his "jobs"--emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, paying the bills, organizing our yard, mowing our grass, dealing with unpleasant people. Now that he isn't around, it looks like until I teach Max and Briggs the finer points of emptying a dishwasher, it's all me. So these past couple of weeks, I've attacked the yard. Because Brian was the gardener in the family and knew most everything (from all the articles he would read), I quickly realized I needed to educate myself. Instead of sipping ice tea and hoping the little elves would show up to make my flower beds beautiful, I read about annuals, perennials, mulch, compost, seeds, and garden design. I went to Home Depot, with

Briggs 3 Originally uploaded by Maynor . It took me several months, but I finally figured out how to load pictures on flickr and put pics on the blog. Brian hoarded the whole flickr/blog thing when he was around and did not give me a tutorial before he went home. I think he wanted me to believe it was impossible so that he would look smart and cool. I finally buckled down and faced the inevitable--technology without Brian--and realized it wasn't TOO difficult. Of course, Eric Costello, Flickr Creator Extraordinaire, did receive a couple e-mails from me. Anyway, this picture is one of my favorites. While in LA, we went to this great children's museum, all outside, of course, and Briggs got in this quiet mood, standing next to a wall. I started snapping pictures, and he stayed focused on what, I'm not sure, but never looked at me or broke his concentration. I think he's kind of beautiful.

Today M. asked me, "Mommy, do you love me when I get dressed myself, like I did this morning?" "Buddy, I love you ALL the time. I love you when you get dressed; I love you when you play with your toys; I love you when you play outside. I even love you when you get in trouble for hitting Briggs. I love you always and forever, no matter what." Max thoughtfully absorbed my response, took a minute and then piped up, "Mommy, I love you when you spank me and I love you when you tell me my time out is over. Mommy, I love you when you play with me and fix me something to drink. I love you when you help me pick up my toys." And we went back and forth with lots of "I love you when's," and I couldn't stop hugging and kissing my son all morning.

As I approach this first anniversary of Brian's diagnosis, I am amazed at what a year can be. I used to think at some point life would slow down a little; we would be able to take a deep breath and relax. Our first year of marriage, Brian and I directed two shows, started a new job, and rehabbed a kitchen. The next year I started grad school, and subsequent years brought babies, another new job, another new house, another rehab and then cancer. I guess for the Maynors, we will breath and relax in heaven, because it doesn't seem to slow down much on this earth.

Briggs is certainly coming into his own. Yesterday morning we stayed home from church because of dripping noses and hacking coughs. We were all on the floor playing with Rescue Heroes and puzzles when I noticed a strong smell coming from one of my children. "Okay, I smell poop. Which one of you has poop?" Briggs is still in diapers. Max does use the bathroom, but sometimes has trouble making it there in time, so it really was up for grabs. Briggs looked right at me and said, "Axies!" which is his pronunciation for Max and then continued with his playing. Max responded with, "No, Briggs. I don't have poop. You do," and giggled under his breath. I did everything not to laugh and, of course, I wanted to make sure I heard correctly, so I asked again. Same answer! Then a pause. And then a "Me, poop." Even at almost two, he's got it all figured out.