The M&M Story

Max put on his "old" football shirt and shorts today. I told him he looked snazzy. "Oh, you're just saying that," and he blushed down the hall.

Yesterday we returned home from a quick trip to the park only to discover a mosaic of glass on our sliding glass door. I'm not sure what happened--this was no bird--but a golf ball, a rock, a baseball, a whatever ball smashed into our glass, giving it quite the look. Of course I felt my stomach in my throat because I suddenly saw thousands of pieces of glass spread all over the patio and two little boys without their shoes. All I could think about was calling Brian and crying to him in panic as he sat in his cubicle at work, patiently listening and forever loving. But I didn't have that option. Instead, I took a deep breath and called my brother in LA. What I needed was help processing and that he did. Sure, this was a problem, but a solvable problem. And there were friends to call who would guide me in the right direction. So I called the two people who I knew could help me, and the ball began to roll. A year ago I would have kept panicking, for at least a few more hours. ...

Cousins Originally uploaded by Maynor . On the beautiful Easter morning of 2006, I accompanied the Peter Maynor family to the Jewel Box in Forest Park. It has become a tradition to take Easter pictures of the cousins at this location, which is exceptionally stunning this time of year. We found what may have been an entrance to something at the World's Fair, a curved wall with pillars and a gate, and started taking pictures. Uncle Peter began doing cartwheels and other crazy stunts while the three bigger cousins watched. Then we heard their beautiful, organic laughs.

This past month I have faced two birthdays, a one year anniversary, and Easter. My emotions have ridden a roller coaster, and I have wanted to run away again and again because this whole thing really, really hurts. Ten years ago last month, God took my dad home, and I really loved my dad. He was funny and loving and creative and interesting, and I always felt safe with him. Five months ago, God took my husband home, and I really loved my Brian. He was funny and loving and creative and interesting, and I always felt safe with him. And I know God is more loving and more creative and more interesting than either Brian or my dad could ever be. And safety? Where else would I want to be but in the arms of my Savior? But sometimes it's hard to know that or even to feel His arms around me. It's that whole "kinesthetic learner" problem I have. These past few weeks, I have realized how hard it is to be a single person...again--no one to fix my coffee in the morning, no one ...

It's interesting what you can accomplish when you are the only one who has the ability to do it. I recently realized how lazy I had become being married to Brian. I would find all these things that I couldn't do (more like things I didn't want to do) and give them to Brian as his "jobs"--emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, paying the bills, organizing our yard, mowing our grass, dealing with unpleasant people. Now that he isn't around, it looks like until I teach Max and Briggs the finer points of emptying a dishwasher, it's all me. So these past couple of weeks, I've attacked the yard. Because Brian was the gardener in the family and knew most everything (from all the articles he would read), I quickly realized I needed to educate myself. Instead of sipping ice tea and hoping the little elves would show up to make my flower beds beautiful, I read about annuals, perennials, mulch, compost, seeds, and garden design. I went to Home Depot, with...

Briggs 3 Originally uploaded by Maynor . It took me several months, but I finally figured out how to load pictures on flickr and put pics on the blog. Brian hoarded the whole flickr/blog thing when he was around and did not give me a tutorial before he went home. I think he wanted me to believe it was impossible so that he would look smart and cool. I finally buckled down and faced the inevitable--technology without Brian--and realized it wasn't TOO difficult. Of course, Eric Costello, Flickr Creator Extraordinaire, did receive a couple e-mails from me. Anyway, this picture is one of my favorites. While in LA, we went to this great children's museum, all outside, of course, and Briggs got in this quiet mood, standing next to a wall. I started snapping pictures, and he stayed focused on what, I'm not sure, but never looked at me or broke his concentration. I think he's kind of beautiful.

Today M. asked me, "Mommy, do you love me when I get dressed myself, like I did this morning?" "Buddy, I love you ALL the time. I love you when you get dressed; I love you when you play with your toys; I love you when you play outside. I even love you when you get in trouble for hitting Briggs. I love you always and forever, no matter what." Max thoughtfully absorbed my response, took a minute and then piped up, "Mommy, I love you when you spank me and I love you when you tell me my time out is over. Mommy, I love you when you play with me and fix me something to drink. I love you when you help me pick up my toys." And we went back and forth with lots of "I love you when's," and I couldn't stop hugging and kissing my son all morning.