The M&M Story

That Little Drummer Boy

2011-12-23T20:11:00.001-06:00

As I little girl, I loved....wait....repeat in all caps....LOVED watching the yearly Christmas specials on television. Right after Thanksgiving, I poured over the weekly TV guide (remember the paper version?), highlighting all my favorites. There was The Year Without a Santa Claus. I was definitely Team Heat Mizer. Cold Mizer had the chill and the height, but Heat, he had the sass. Then there was Rudolph and Charlie Brown and Frosty and the Grinch. Loooved the Grinch in all his humor and grinchiness. I marked each and every one on my mother's calendar, happily anticipating several evenings of laughter, hot chocolate, and blissful escapes to chilly claymation wonderlands. But in all my giggly girlhood, there was always one that rather rocked my world.

That little drummer boy.

I think every emotion pulsed through my eight...nine...ten year old self as I watched this 22 minutes year after year. Fear. Laughter. Joy. Tears. Those evil bandits. The persevering drummer boy. The lame little lamb. The brilliant star. Somehow, EVERY time, I found myself weeping, wishing I could be carrying the little lamb to the Baby Jesus. Funny how jerky animation and ill--synced voiceovers can encourage me to fall to my knees and wish I could be in that stable. Yes, years later, I purchased all of them on VHS. Yes, VHS. I still have them. My boys have watched them.

For a second year, we've attended Grace Church's Christmas service of Little Drummer Boy. It was a tremendous performance--phenomenal, really-- but even more so, it was an incredible worship experience. For a taste, here is the '09 trailer. I couldn't find this year's trailer, and there wasn't a show in 2010.

As I worshipped, I couldn't help but think of that little claymation drummer boy. His perseverance. His brokenness. Traversing his way to the manger, bringing his gifts to the newborn king. In many ways, he is as amazing as the 40 musicians who practiced for months and performed for sell out crowds.

In Scripture, we read of shepherds and angels and animals in the stable, but no little boy. But in many ways, he's a picture of us.

Created in God's image, we are gifted beyond measure, yet we are lame and broken and often pursued by the bandits of this life. We are eager to see Him, to know of His glory, but we easily veer off course with busy lives and selfish desires. This holiday, I encourage you to persevere....do not be ashamed....bring your gifts to the manger....and play for Him.

Time to Let the Cry Out

2011-11-23T11:05:00.001-06:00

Most nights when we sit down together for dinner, we reflect on our day by naming our A and our Z. A couple of years ago when we were visiting my college roommate and family, we were introduced to this idea. I think their family called it Hi/Lo. My boys renamed it at some point to A and Z.

Recently, my sweet Briggs explained his Z.

   "My Z is that I almost cried in class today. We were watching Ramona. She ran away and when her family saw her again, I had to hold my cry inside. I didn't want to cry in front of my friends." As he finished saying the word friends, he burst into tears.
   Fighting back my own tears at his sweet story, I responded: "You don't need to hold the cry inside anymore. It's always okay to cry at home." He nodded between sobs and crawled into my lap. I wanted to hug away all his pain. "Feel better?"
   As his cry tapered off, "Yes, much, much better."

Little Conversations

2011-10-09T20:24:00.000-05:00

I think I'm just beginning to breathe again. Another start of the school year. August? Gone with the wind. September? Washed out to sea. October? Thank God you are here, but don't run away too fast!! I just pulled out my pumpkin candle yesterday. I need a little time to enjoy it before we are singing Christmas carols and sipping hot chocolate.

So much has happened in the last two months. I'll reflect and write about it later. But before I forget, there are a couple little conversations with the boys that deserve some screen time.

M: Mom, what color is an omelette?
Me: Well, it's typically white on the outside, or maybe a light yellow.
M: No, the kind of omelette you wear around your neck.
Me: Do you mean an amulet?
M: Oh, that's it.

B: Mom, why is it bad to point your middle finger at someone?
Me: Well, it's a gesture that says to someone that they are stupid or that you hate them. (The best analogy for a 7 year old.)
B: But what's a gesture?
Me: Well, waving hello to someone or giving a thumbs up---you don't actually say words, you communicate with your hands.
B: So, why is the middle finger bad? I mean, why the middle finger? Why not your pinky or your thumb?

As we are sitting down at Fitz's in the Loop, looking at menus:
M: Mommy, I think I'm too old to choose from the kid's menu. What do you know about the Caesar Wrap?
Me: It's like a Caesar Salad inside a wrap, like the one you got at Crazy Bowls not too long ago.
M: No, I'm not in the mood for that.
Me: What about the BLAST wrap? It has turkey and bacon.
M: (Reading the description to himself) That sounds good, but what about chili mayo? (A slight grimace.)
Me: You could substitute for regular mayo?
M: Oh, that sounds great. I'll have that.

And he proceeded to close his menu and begin coloring on his kid's menu. And when the dinner showed up with a rather large side of mayo, his brother asked:

B: Do you want ketchup for your fries, Max?
M: No, I'm good with the mayo.

A step back in time. Just like his father, Brian.

God's Beautiful Mosaic

2011-07-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

I've never been one to stringently follow the rules or conform too much to the next best thing. Sure, there have been moments when someone says go right and I head left and oops, maybe I should have gone right. And there was that time in 7th grade when all the girls had these wedge shoes called Yo-Yo's, and my mother wouldn't buy them for me. But for the most part, the freedom to create or invent or re-arrange has blessed my life immensely.

Mosaic art has been around for centuries. It was the Ancient Greeks that took it to the next level and raised it to an art form. They used the pebble technique with precise geometric patterns to create detailed scenes of people and animals. The styles and skills evolved through the years, but the art of making mosaic has generally stayed the same. Small pieces of glass, tile, stone arranged together to create a picture or design or pattern. Each piece being important to the whole design.

Several summers ago, I was in a small group that met for "Salad Suppers." The hostess would provide the mix of greens and the rest of the women brought one ingredient to go in the salad---an ingredient of our choice, not assigned. Oh, how I resonated with this lovely idea of creating a mosaic salad, with the freedom to choose and create! Blueberries, avocado, apples, walnuts, dried cranberries, juicy tomatoes, even pumpkin seeds. I loved how each ingredient brought its own unique flavor to the salad. And each time, the salads were delicious.

Not to overanalyze the salad suppers or mosaic art (the teacher in me....), but they both are somewhat analogous to God's glorious design of our world. Every person, every detail of His creation, every centimeter in the expanse of this great universe was designed with great purpose to be a part of the most magnificent mosaic ever created. Woven all through the Psalms, we catch a glimpse of God's meticulous handiwork, and his graceful attention to detail, even just in the physics of it.

Psalm 19:4: "In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun."

Or in I Corinthians 12:18, Paul writes,

"But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them,

just as he wanted them to be."

The Master Designer never makes an error. There is no design flaw in his creations. He created us to have freedom, to be creative and innovative, to re-arrange if we find ourselves needing a little rearrangement. And then He gave us Grace to cover it all.

____________________________________

Since my salad supper days, I've enjoyed creating various salad combinations. Always with the base on mixed greens, including spinach if you like, here are a few ideas:

Blueberries, walnuts, red onion, avocado, feta, chopped tomatoes with raspberry balsamic vinaigrette.
Almonds, mandarin oranges, dried cranberries, chopped red pepper, chopped shallots, grilled chicken with sesame oil/rice vinegar/garlic dressing
All chopped/diced: cucumbers, tomatoes, fresh basil, blanched cold broccoli, parmesan cheese (shredded not grated), shallots or red onion with some style balsamic vinaigrette. Try a smoked salt in the vinaigrette.
Sun-dried tomatoes, halved bella or heirloom tomatoes, toasted pine nuts, fresh basil, feta, kalamata olives with a red wine vinaigrette.
Salmon, avocado, strawberries, walnuts--best with baby spinach--and a sweet vinaigrette.

I forget to take pictures. Next time....

Quote of the Day

2011-06-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

Watermelon is sliced and served on the back patio.

Max: "Watermelon is my paradise."

Graduating to Begin

2011-06-09T13:18:00.004-05:00

'Tis the season.

Ceremonies, parties, dresses, gifts, diplomas, celebrations. This spring I attended a high school graduation (professional) and a grad school graduation (personal--but not me. My sweet hubby.) I loved hearing the clickety-click of high heels as young girls, soon to be women, dashed down the hall to their place in line, hand grasping their cap. I loved watching big boys, soon to be men, walk across the stage and nonchalantly glance around the room to find mom and dad. So much joy in the accomplishment. A milestone reached. The end of a season, so to speak.

But now what? Graduation may well be an end of season, but in many ways, it is just the beginning.

Excitement. Anticipation. Expectation.

And the beginning of anything isn't easy. It takes perseverance, boldness, and strength. It takes creativity, tenacity, and endless, consistent prayer. It takes patience and lots of breathing exercises to keep from hyperventilating and drinking at least one pot of coffee a day---for energy.

But most of all, I think beginnings have mastered the art of surprise. When I was sixteen years old, my mom and friends planned a surprise birthday party for me. To make a long story short, I burst into the house crying (because a friend had been unkind to me, only to get me to go home for the surprise--it worked) and my friends, braced to jump out in happy salutations, instead stood somewhat paralyzed as I choked and gasped between my sobs. Yep, awkward and embarrassed only scratch the surface. Since then, I haven't been that great with surprises, so imagine my shock when the doctor said, "Yes, it's malignant." Or when my brother said, "Dad had a heart attack today.....and he didn't make it."

The thing is, life is really just a series of surprises, surprised designed by an omnipotent God. As much as we plan, assume and attempt to manipulate, we have no control. Only God does. Once upon a time, I learned that looking to the future and having fear or worry or arrogance or assurance was looking to a future without God. Besides the promise of "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" and the assurance of our salvation, I don't know if God is very specific to the details of our every day life. Of course, there is that chapter in James about trials and tribulations. But we are creatures of comfort. And comfort doesn't mix well with trials and tribulations, does it?

Expectations. Projections. Assumptions.

Sometimes these are what we live and breathe each day. I've often examined my own heart and questioned, am I really trusting? Am I really living by faith or am I saying that and secretly creating expectation, projection, and assumption because that is more comfortable? I'm sure I run a marathon of chatter in my mind most days, spinning and twisting different scenarios and outcomes to allow me comfort.

I love this quote by Frederick Buechner. He's my summer protein reading of choice. (I divide my reading in three groups--protein is essential and good for my soul, fat is something I don't need too much of, but it swells with importance, and carbs are a bit of an indulgence--some is good, too much makes me fat.)

"Stop trying to protect, to rescue, to judge, to manage the lives around you . . . remember that the lives of others are not your business. They are their business. They are God’s business . . . even your own life is not your business. It also is God’s business. Leave it to God. It is an astonishing thought. It can become a life-transforming thought . . . unclench the fists of your spirit and take it easy . . . What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort . . . than being able from time to time to stop that chatter . . . "
— Frederick Buechner (Telling Secrets)

So as we face our graduations--and our beginnings, we don't want to miss God's presence within us.

And I'm thinking that means quiet the chatter.....

Shhhh.

The Lonely Cat

2011-05-11T08:39:00.001-05:00

Briggs' published story from the winter---this was written on his own, not for school.....I think the last line is one of my very favorites ever.

The Lonely Cat
By Briggs Maynor

Once there was a lonely cat. He had no mom and dad. And he had no Home. Nobody wanted him. He was so cute. I love him. But he had a basket that he snuggled in and he had a stuffed animal. And he had a baby that was so cute. I wish I could have him. The Next day I got him!! I adopted him! I was so happy I could hardly breath.

The End.

Published Date--December 2010

Fairy Tale Revisited

2011-05-04T09:10:00.000-05:00

Writers write from what they know....

Max Maynor #9

31 March 2010

The Brave Dragon

Once upon a time in England during the Middle Ages, there was a brave dragon named Briggs. He lived in a castle with a prince named Max and a princess named Carsyn. Prince Max and Princess Carsyn were in love. They were happy because they were friends and liked to play with each other. Their brave pet dragon Briggs always kept them company. The castle was near a forest and there was a dwarf named Susan who used to live in the forest but now lived in the castle for her protection from the evil king’s army.

One day Princess Carsyn was on a horse ride in the forest and the evil king Todd jumped out from behind a tree and kidnapped her. He took her to the evil castle on the other side of the forest. When Prince Max found out she had been kidnapped, he snuck through the forest to the other side. Prince Max tried to rescue her by fighting the king. The evil king stabbed Max in his leg and he died.

When Dwarf Susan heard that Prince Max has been killed and Princess Carsyn was in the hands of the evil king, she went back to the forest where she used to live and took the brave dragon Briggs with her and trained him to fight the evil king’s army and save the princess. She put sacks of grain in front of him and she made him blow his fire to destroy all the sacks. And she trained him to do karate.

The brave dragon told the prince’s army to sneak up on the castle to attack while he went around the fight to kill the evil king and save the princess. He snuck around to the back door and came in to fight the evil king. He used all his karate moves but the king scratched him badly with his sword. Then he used his fire to destroy the king. He raced up to the high tower and knocked the door down with his karate moves and saved the princess.

The brave dragon and the princess were sad because they had lost the prince but they were happy they had each other. They lived happily ever after with Dwarf Susan.

The End.

Seaweed and Beehives

2011-04-26T16:18:00.004-05:00

On Easter, Max was not at his best. He actually spent the afternoon on the couch, completely uninterested in food. On the Monday morning after Easter, he shuffled out of his room and announced:

Max: "Mom, I can't go to school."

Me: "Why, honey?"

Max: "Well, I feel like I have seaweed in my stomach, at least one beehive in my throat and a jackhammer in my eye."

With that, he shuffled back to his room and crawled under his covers.

Interesting symptoms. I wonder his diagnosis....

Redemption Reigns

2011-04-25T20:37:00.003-05:00

Yes, I think so. If it didn't, I might want to crawl under the covers and go back to sleep for say, the next forty years of my life.

The Easter season holds powerful lessons for me. Many, many moons ago, my father entered the gates of heaven, unexpectedly in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. It was about three weeks before Easter. Nine years ago, Max, my creative, funny, and often poetic first born joined us in this earthly life. It was about two weeks before Easter. Seven years ago (three weeks early), Briggs, my strong and so lovable youngest son was born, and it was about a week before Easter.

And then six years ago, my sweet first husband--Brian--was diagnosed with terminal cancer in the rainy days of March. It was about three weeks before Easter.

This time of year. It is often a tornado of emotions and feelings and joys and sorrows and blessings. And promises. And I don't mean I-promise-to-buy-you-an-ice-cream-if-you-clean-your-room kind of promise. More like...say...the promise of eternity.

I often imagine Jesus in the Garden, on his knees, boldly asking His father if there was another way.

...The fragility of His humanity.

"An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him."

....The gift of His sacrifice.

“Father, if you are willing,

take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

And then the day He hung on the cross for me, after being flogged and beaten and mocked.

...The magnitude of His love.

"When he had received the drink, Jesus said, 'It is finished.'

With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit."

And then He did it. He kept His promise.

....The richness of His splendor.

"Jesus said to her, 'Mary.'

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, 'Rabboni!'"

Because of Easter, redemption reigns. It lives in the fabric of humanity, in the corners of history, and in the story unfolding to eternity.

Briggs' Sick Day

2011-04-18T18:54:00.002-05:00

Briggs stayed home for the fifth day in a row. Well, two of those were weekend days. Saturday morning his outcome for health looked promising, but a high fever and a trip to urgent care said differently. Today he was fever free and recovering from four days of being sick.

This morning, unbeknownst to me, Todd had asked him to make a list of things he wanted to do today. (It was Daddy's turn to stay home.) I was buzzing around the house gathering my things when I noticed him on the sofa, pensive and still. Catching my breath, I asked, "What's up, buddy? Are you feeling bad?" He wasn't totally himself yet, but my concern was we had missed something that morning and he was, indeed, still feverish.

B: "No, I'm just thinking about my list."

S: "What list, honey?"

B: "My list of things I want to do with Daddy today. And we are going to rest between each activity."

S: (I was melting in puddle of love for this little guy): "Well, what did you decide?"

B: "Number one--Play Mouse Trap. Number two--Watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Number three-Play with my stuffed animals. And number four--play downstairs."

Sounds like a great day to me.

Beauty out of Brokenness--A Student Video

2011-04-16T09:09:00.002-05:00

I've watched this a bunch of times.
I've shown it to my students in class.
I've posted it on Facebook.
Clearly, I really, really like it and think it should be on my blog.
Permanently.

Laura, one of my rock star video students, made this last fall.

She wrote it. She directed it. She edited it.
She was 16 at the time.
The ballerina is one of her best friends, also one of my students.

I think this video teaches how beautiful redemption really is.

I hope my boys, as teenagers, will grasp this understanding.

Desire. Want. Me, Me, Me.

2011-04-14T22:57:00.001-05:00

I've decided that I might be the most selfish and discontented person alive. And narcissistic to boot.

"I could do that better....."

"If I just could.....maybe if I did this.....what if this were this way.....and that was that way...."

Yes, I'm that shallow and that discontent and that, well, sinful. I like to pretend that I'm all wise and have learned, but that doesn't take away the fact that God, in His mercy, saved me from myself.

Desire. What exactly does that mean? God gives you the desires of your heart. Okay, but my heart is pretty nasty.

It envies. It covets. It judges. I wish it didn't. I wish I was perfect.

Therein lies the problem. Good thing I have a Savior.

This devotion recently showed up in my inbox at precisely the same moment I was banging pots and pans around as I unloaded the dishwasher. Then I began ungracefully dropping silverware in my silverware drawer because my perfectly planned plans had been thwarted by life as it happens. What I love about this devotion is the promise and guarantee of failure and loneliness. Effects of the fall are part of our world no matter what plans we make.

Well, at least that takes the pressure off.....

From John Eldredge:
The Promises of God

God promises every man futility and failure; he guarantees every woman relational heartache and loneliness. We spend most of our waking hours attempting to end-run the curse. We will fight this truth with all we've got. Sure, other people suffer defeat. Other people face loneliness. But not me. I can beat the odds. We see the neighbor's kids go off the deep end, and we make a mental note: They didn't pray for their kids every day. And we make praying for our kids every day part of our plan. It doesn't have to happen to us. We watch a colleague suffer a financial setback, and we make another note: He was always a little lax with his money. We set up a rigid budget and stick to it.

Isn't there something defensive that rises up in you at the idea that you cannot make life work out? Isn't there something just a little bit stubborn, an inner voice that says, I can do it? Thus Pascal writes,

All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end . . . This is the motive of every action of every man. But example teaches us little. No resemblance is ever so perfect that there is not some slight difference, and hence we expect that our hope will not be deceived on this occasion as before. And thus, while the present never satisfies us, experience dupes us and from misfortune to misfortune leads us to death. (Pensees)

It can't be done. No matter how hard we try, no matter how clever our plan, we cannot arrange for the life we desire. Set the book down for a moment and ask yourself this question: Will life ever be what I so deeply want it to be, in a way that cannot be lost? This is the second lesson we must learn, and in many ways the hardest to accept. We must have life; we cannot arrange for it.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2011-04-12T20:43:00.002-05:00

Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Redefined. Remade.

Feel free to Recreate.

(And she wonders why her thighs just won't shrink...)

Ingredients

2 sticks unsalted butter (to room temp)
2 cups bread flour (add ¼ more if you like cak-i-er cookies)
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup sugar (prefer raw--just because)
1 ¼ cups brown sugar
1 egg
1 egg yolk
2 tablespoons milk (preferably raw whole or cream)
1 ½ teaspoons + a splash of vanilla extract or vanilla liquor or amaretto (so good!) or combination thereof.
1 tsp espresso powder
2 cups (or more) semisweet chocolate chips or combination of white and chocolate (preference)

Hardware:

Parchment paper (preference)
Baking sheets
Mixer

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. (I wish I was good at preheating....)
Soften butter to room temperature--this is important! I mean, you *can* melt, but soften is better. I’m sure I can come up with a thesis and support, but trust me, it’s for a smooth cookie.
Sift together the flour, salt, and baking soda and set aside. Not sure how I feel about the sifting since my sifter never seems to work right, but sifting does make for a softer cookie.
Beat softened butter in mixing bowl of a heavy duty mixer at medium speed until it is lighter and clings to bowl--I could give you a time (about a minute) but it depends on your mixer.
Keeping the mixer at medium speed, add both sugars in small quantities--maybe in 4 or 5 portions. Continue to cream butter and sugars for 4-5 minutes, scraping down bowl as necessary. When done the mixture will be light in color and fluffy in appearance.
Try not to sample. It can be dangerous.
Whisk eggs with vanilla and/or liquor(s) and milk in small bowl and add to butter and sugar mixture, keeping beater on medium speed. Pour in the eggs slowly, maybe 3-4 minutes to add the eggs. The mixture then appears fluffy, looking somewhat like whipped cream cheese. This is the "creaming method" for making a butter cake which comes from Flo Braker's The Simple Art of Perfect Baking.
Slowly incorporate the flour mixture until thoroughly combined.
Stir in the chocolate chips.
So here’s the clincher---chill the dough. For maybe a few hours. Or overnight. It totally makes a difference!!!
Then scoop onto parchment-lined baking sheets. Bake for 14 minutes or until golden brown, checking the cookies after 5 minutes. Rotate the baking sheet for even browning.
Remove....cool for a minute...make sure you test...and then cool completely before storing.
Enjoy.

Halfway Gone

2011-04-03T12:34:00.000-05:00

My sweet Max is nine years old.
Halfway to 18 when he may pack his bags and head out to find his fortune.

To My Eldest:
I love the way you look at the world.
I love your humor.
I love your curiosity.
I love your poetic nature.
I love your stick fort.
I love your collections.
I love your creations.
I love how you love Tiger.
I love your heart.

A Max Observation and Reflection

2011-04-03T10:42:00.001-05:00

Saturday, we went to a Zoo birthday party for our little friend Norah, who turned two years old. Todd had parked by the Muny because it was insanely gorgeous out and the entire city of St. Louis made Forest Park the day's destination. On our way to the car, we passed one of my favorite spots in all of Forest Park, the World's Fair Pavilion. The fountain below, drained of water, made for a great climbing spot. As the boys jumped and leaped and "snow skied" from rock platform to rock platform, Todd and I made our way to the bricks in front.

After Brian passed away, I purchased a brick through Forest Park Forever to honor him and his love for making things more beautiful. Brian had the gift of envisioning brokenness into beauty and was filled with the grace to embrace that process. On his brick is engraved:

Brian Maynor

Lived and Loved

By His Grace

After the boys had leaped and jumped to their heart's desire, they made their way down to see Daddy Brian's brick. I loved watching their smiles and and their sweetness as they leaned down and ran their fingers over the engraving.

As we made our way to the car, all hand in hand, Max said quietly,

"God chose Daddy Brian to be my birth dad, but He chose Daddy Todd to be my life dad."

Some Fresh Perspective

2011-03-27T20:44:00.007-05:00

Several weeks ago I spent three days with four beautiful women. Four strong, independent, brilliant, creative, lovely women. I listened...I absorbed...I breathed their various perspectives and invaluable wisdom on work, motherhood, faith, and family. And I, like Luke to his Obi-Wan, began a journey of...let's say....rediscover.

In the last twelve years, I've become a wife, a mother, a widow, and a wife again. All good....all beautiful, even in its challenges. I think maybe as I've entered middle age, I can honestly say I comprehend the great calling of being a wife and mother.

Loving, serving, and caring for my husband until he entered the gates of glory taught me the fragility of human life and the acceptance that I am not in control of my universe. Being a widow taught me how strong I can be and how God made women with great purpose. Finding love again taught me about grace. The grace to love and be loved. The grace to trust. The grace to belly laugh. The grace to be honest, even when my graciousness is absent.

And being a momma has shown me a little glimpse of the breadth and depth of God's love for humanity. Sort of puts the cross a bit more in perspective for me, as I do another load of laundry, mop the bathroom floor after a bath, and rub a back as a little one falls asleep.

But one thing I've never really explored is what did God design me for--besides being a wife and mother? What gifts did He give me and how does He want to use me in the grander story?

My friend Sara once told me that being married is much like looking in a mirror. And though I would like to divert my eyes from the reflection and pretend there is no mirror, I can't. In my dream world, the whole "mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" scenario would unfold with Todd saying, "you, my dearest, are the fairest of them all." But if I remember correctly from the fairy tale, the mirror doesn't lie. Instead, my sweet and honest husband says, "Sweetie, I think you worry too much about what people think of you."

Ahhhhh! He knows!!!! (As if it was that hard to figure out...)

I've always been inspired by Naomi. And how God used her hardships to transform her heart from emptiness to fullness. As I read her story, my guess is that she didn't worry too much about what people thought. She was in survival mode. She followed her heart, even in its broken state.

Yep, I'll say it. God wants us to follow our hearts. He created us with desires, with passions, with talents, and with loves. Knowing Him more deeply and trusting Him allows us to discover so much more about the person God created us to be. It's a bit like Anton Ego. Yes, the critic from Ratatouille. Anton has a bit of God-like presence--his character has power and insight and control (Gusteau's did lose a star because of his review) and I love the way he responds to Remy's creation:

"The world is often unkind to new talents, new creations. The new needs friends. Last night, I experienced something new; an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking, is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto, "Anyone can cook". But I realize — only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."

I know, I know, a rat movie. But a fresh perspective nonetheless.

Embracing the artist within.

Banning the world of preconception.

Extraordinary....unexpected.

Yep, the journey has begun.

FYI:

Fav Quotes of the Week

2011-03-08T19:05:00.000-06:00

As we were looking at lamps in Home Goods, Max said, "Mommy, you are not a fancy kind of girl. You are a normal girl, and I like that."

Briggs, as he is telling us his bad dream: "So the bad guy came and took Squishy from me and it was terrible. Then I put my mind on pause....." (Oh, how I wish I could put my mind on pause!)

After Briggs was diagnosed with strep throat and told to not kiss or get too close to his brother: "Mommy, when can I go near anyone I love? It is hard not to get close to you and Max and Daddy."

Max to Daddy: "You look like a real dad."

Mommy Prayer #1

2011-02-14T19:59:00.002-06:00

I've decided it might be time to post the mommy prayers I elicit most days. And then some nights. And, well, then some mornings because my prayers are never ceasing. For survival.

Dear God,

Thank you for valentines. Not that I really love Valentine's Day, but I love that my boys love Valentine's Day. Create. Plan. Execute. What more could a mommy ask for? Well, maybe a dozen roses....or a night off...or a bottle of my favorite wine...or a pedicure...but really, a create/plan/execute is far more beautiful and keepsakeish than any wine/pedicure/roses.

Thank you for little boys. They are just perfect---in their puppy love, playful-wrestle sort of way. They love deeply. And passionately. Give me patience...and wisdom as I love these puppies to adulthood. Or at least until they are able to feed and clothe themselves. Please give me insight into their characters....into their passions and desires and motivations. May I please have that extrasensory spidey sense that allows me to be one step ahead and filled with perseverance and longsuffering when things...well...don't go as planned...or not planned. In any case, give me all that I need for my little guys. Why? Because they are vibrantly, intricately, and perfectly Yours.

Thank you. I love you. I'm all yours.
Susan

Butterscotch Banana Bread on a Snow Day

2011-02-02T12:59:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I know I posted a few days ago my base quick bread recipe. Well, I tried something else, but this is only for banana bread. I like banana bread, but I'm always looking for ways to make it more interesting--and less fattening. So this is adapted from The Canyon Ranch Cooks:

Preheat oven to 350. See below for pan prep.

3 small, ripe bananas, mashed--about 1 cup
1/4 cup brewed coffee
1/2 cup brown sugar (could sub regular sugar--i just like how the molasses flavor mixes with the coffee)
1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce (i usually blend an apple with a little water--it's easier than stocking applesauce)
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups spelt flour (you can use regular whole wheat, but sub a little bread flour for the rise)
1/4 cup coconut flour (can skip if you don't have it--but use one less egg)
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp (or more) of allspice
1/2 tsp (or more) of cinnamon
splash of almond extract (if you prefer vanilla, that works, too.)
splash of framboise liquor (you could use whatever flavor you like or omit)
walnuts (to your liking or omit--i chop or use the baking pieces from trader joe's)
butterscotch chips (to your liking or omit--I use about 3/4 to 1 cup)

Mix all and blend until smooth. I usually do the wet ingredients in one bowl. The dry in another and then mix together. If it is too soupy, add a little more flour. If it is too doughy, add a bit more applesauce or even a splash of milk.

I usually split this between two bread pans. This actually makes one loaf, but I like to spread the wealth. I use butter or coconut oil to coat the pans.

I typically set the timer for 45 minutes then I check it. If the knife comes out clean, I'm good. If it doesn't, i continue cooking in 5 minute intervals, checking with my knife until is it cleanish. I prefer it a little softer in the middle rather than all the way baked. Not gooey, just a little more dense. When finished, I put them on a rack in the pan for a few minutes. Then I loosen the sides and flip them over. You can either keep in the refrigerator for a few days or in the freezer for more. I'm sure you could do muffins, but the cook time would be a lot less.

Yep, my family devoured it.

The Romance

2011-01-23T10:15:00.001-06:00

In the words of The Beautiful South--"I want my wind-swept, Ingrid Bergman kiss."

No wonder we cheer for Maximus and Frodo and Harry Potter. For years, I've loved dissecting movies and books, engaging with the hero and his quest as he searches for his elixir. It's good to know it's the way we are designed.

A Sacred Romance

In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor. It is a Romance couched in mystery and set deeply within us. It cannot be categorized into propositional truths or fully known any more than studying the anatomy of a corpse would help us know the person who once inhabited it.

Philosophers call this Romance, this heart yearning set within us, the longing for transcendence; the desire to be part of something larger than ourselves, to be part of something out of the ordinary that is good. Transcendence is what we experience in a small but powerful way when our city's football team wins the big game against tremendous odds. The deepest part of our heart longs to be bound together in some heroic purpose with others of like mind and spirit.

Indeed, if we reflect back on the journey of our heart, the Romance has most often come to us in the form of two deep desires: the longing for adventure that requires something of us, and the desire for intimacy-to have someone truly know us for ourselves, while at the same time inviting us to know them in the naked and discovering way lovers come to know each other on the marriage bed. The emphasis is, perhaps, more on adventure for men and slightly more on intimacy for women. Yet, both desires are strong in us as men and women. In the words of friends, these two desires come together in us all as a longing to be in a relationship of heroic proportions.

(The Sacred Romance , 19)

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip

2011-01-22T17:58:00.002-06:00

I thought that might get your attention. I love to bake. I sometimes follow a recipe but more often than not, I improvise--mostly because a. I don't necessarily have all ingredients on hand or b. I need to raise the nutritional content or c. I'm not a rule follower.

And then there is my love affair with spelt flour.

I love spelt. It can be substituted 1:1 for wheat flour, but it is nuttier, sweeter and higher in protein. It is also easier on the digestive system.
My new base recipe for pumpkin and banana bread.

1.5 cups spelt flour
.5 cup coconut flour
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup sugar--I use the "healthy" kind--evaporated cane juice. But really it's just sugar.
1/2 tsp maca powder (Optional. You can add more if you like, but be careful, this stuff is STRONG)
2 eggs
1/2 cup (or a dribble more) of buttermilk
1/8 cup unsweetened applesauce--I usually just put my apples in a blender and use that.
1/8 cup coconut oil (but could use canola, safflower)
1 tsp vanilla (or other extracts and liquors based on taste--I tend to add more than a tsp--more like a large splash.)

For the pumpkin and banana, I use about 1.5 cups.

In terms of spices, it depends on what you like--using pumpkin, I add cinnamon, cloves, ginger, allspice. For the banana, I will add cinnamon and maybe allspice.)

Oh, and I always add chocolate chips. Semi-sweet for banana and white for pumpkin. If you don't add chocolate chips, increase your sugar to 3/4 cup.

350 degrees.
Grease with coconut oil--either muffin pan or bread pan.
Bake -- hard to say how long but roughly 25 minutes for muffins and 45 for bread. Use a knife to test. Just make sure not much sticky comes out
Remove, cool a bit, and enjoy.

I discovered a new favorite online retailer: nutsonline.com. Figs, chocolate, baking goods, nuts, coffee, coconut oil, and so much more. Great prices, ships fast, and cool bags that ziploc.

I would post a picture but the loaf I made yesterday is already gone.

Max the Funny Man Poet

2010-12-27T10:19:00.000-06:00

I love laughing. Growing up, I frequently laughed at my father and brother with their running commentaries on most any subject presented. And now with our Big Mac around, we laugh....a lot.

Max has a natural penchant for humor. He's Brian and then some. It's sort of slapstick, Monty Python humor. Briggs, on the other hand, is a bit more serious. I'm not sure he sees the whole point of the humorous stupidity. We watched Home Alone and Jim Carrey's Grinch this season, and Todd took the boys to see Yogi Bear. Yes, we've had our fill of funny movies. My favorite line from Max was, of course, a little more poetic: "Mommy, the Grinch has fingers like sugar snap peas."

For a child who hates writing but makes ingenious connections, I think he may be a budding poet. Daddy Brian would be so proud :).

Dinner Table Conversations

2010-12-27T10:17:00.000-06:00

A few nights ago, we were eating dinner and all of a sudden Briggs pipes up: "Think. Don't drink and drive." Okay. Good conversation starter, considering it is the holidays and spirits typically flow. But this is my six year old. So we asked why and where he had learned that.....he read it on a billboard. Makes sense. But then he said, "Children and dogs should not drink and drive. It isn't safe."

Children and dogs???? And are we talking orange juice or beer?

Biting the inside of my cheeks, we pursued this line of reasoning with questions, mostly about the dogs and whether or not he understood to which drink the phrase referred. Apparently, he just figured it would be dangerous if children and dogs drink and drive because they might get hurt. We explained the difference between drinks like soda, coffee and orange juice (I had a panic for a minute because my kids have seen me drink coffee daily...as I am driving) and adult beverages. Both seemed satisfied and the conversation moved to Christmas lights.

A Poem by Max

2010-12-05T10:03:00.000-06:00

Recently, I taught some poetry writing workshop lessons to Max's third grade class. It's been awhile since teaching elementary school kids, especially those under the age of 10. I forgot what it was like to have a gaggle of little people follow you around the room itching to read their creative work or to motivate little boys who would rather play with dust bunnies than write. Such enthusiasm--with high schoolers, they would much rather talk to each other than to me--these little guys were buzzing with creativity and excitement over writing poetry.

One of Max's assignments was to write a poem about something at home and to write to the something--be it an object or an event or even a person. Dabble in personification. So he decided to write about Briggs....

Briggs [all about my brother]

by Maxwell Maynor

Fall 2010

Briggs

you are loving

you are kind

you are smart

in the mind.

You are funny

You are kind

You are kinda

Weird sometimes.

I love you very much

So I won’t take a chance

And get you into trouble

When you do your piggy dance.

Five Years

2010-11-07T20:10:00.003-06:00

Five years ago today (it was actually a Monday), Brian entered the gates of heaven.

Max's prayer this morning over breakfast: "Dear Jesus, thank you for this day. And thank you that five years ago Daddy had his homecoming."

Briggs' prayer that followed: "Dear Jesus, thank you for this day. And thank you that Daddy is in heaven with you."

As I reflect on this year, once again I marvel at God's faithfulness and his sweet hand of redemption. I think back to that first anniversary of his homecoming when I trudged through each moment as though I was in quicksand. Deep breath. Foot forward. I still wasn't sure it was real. But God remained faithful and I never quite sunk so deep that I couldn't move. Today we went to see Brian's stone and Max leaned down to kiss it. He leaned up and said, "Mommy, I remember when Daddy couldn't breathe very well and had that machine. And I asked him to play legos with me--the Duplo legos--and he got down and played with me." We prayed as a family and thanked God for Brian, but more importantly, we thanked Him for his faithfulness to us--all four of us.

Understanding redemption, at least how I make sense of it, is believing the gospel and knowing that Jesus wants my heart. It's not the expectation that things will be good--instead, it is knowing that God is good. Blood shed out of love, a love that never fails and never leaves. Sure, the boys have a daddy now--and yes, that is abundant provision, but provision is so much more than that. Both boys know Jesus and love him and want to follow him. My husband loves Jesus and craves intimacy with God. I love Jesus and know that He is my one and only source of life.

My boys have grown and flourished beyond expectation with their new daddy. And what is so comforting to me is knowing Brian wanted this--an earthly father to love them and to spur them on in their journey with Jesus. I find it redemptive to see how God put a little bit of Brian in both of them to sweeten our life. Max's tender, tender heart--he wants to make the world more beautiful. Briggs has the Maynor "look" in the way he walks and dances and moves. My sweet boys have three fathers--a Heavenly Father, a father in heaven, and father here on earth.

I still miss Brian sometimes. He walked by grace and lived gracefully. But by his death, I know Christ's sacrifice and love and pursuit of me much more. Brian read The Sacred Romance by John Eldridge during the last months of his earthly life. I am now currently reading it with Todd. Eldridge says it well--God risked it all to rescue us--the most daring of plans--all because He loved us.

The gospel says that we, who are God's beloved, created a cosmic crisis. It says we, too, were stolen from our True Love and that he launched the greatest campaign in the history of the world to get us back. God created us for intimacy with him. When we turned our back on him he promised to come for us. He sent personal messengers; he used beauty and affliction to recapture our hearts. After all else failed, he conceived the most daring of plans. Under the cover of night he stole into the enemy's camp incognito, the Ancient of Days disguised as a newborn. The Incarnation, as Phil Yancey reminds us, was a daring raid into enemy territory. The whole world lay under the power of the evil one and we were held in the dungeons of darkness. God risked it all to rescue us. Why? What is it that he sees in us that causes him to act the jealous lover, to lay siege both on the kingdom of darkness and on our own idolatries as if on Troy-not to annihilate, but to win us once again for himself? This fierce intention, this reckless ambition that shoves all conventions aside, willing literally to move heaven and earth-We've been offered many explanations.

From one religious camp we're told that what God wants is obedience, or sacrifice, or adherence to the right doctrines, or morality. Those are the answers offered by conservative churches. The more therapeutic churches suggest that no, God is after our contentment, or happiness, or self-actualization, or something else along those lines. He is concerned about all these things, of course, but they are not his primary concern. What he is after is us-our laughter, our tears, our dreams, our fears, our heart of hearts. Remember his lament in Isaiah, that though his people were performing all their duties, "their hearts are far from me" (29:13 italics added). How few of us truly believe this. We've never been wanted for our heart, our truest self, not really, not for long. The thought that God wants our heart seems too good to be true.

( The Sacred Romance , 90, 91 )

Twins

2010-11-01T11:07:00.000-05:00

B: Why did Mario and Luigi cross the road? To get Princess Peach and Toad.
M: Why did the Scarecrow cross the road? To "scare" crows.

Beautiful, beautiful

2010-10-25T18:44:00.000-05:00

I don't like my thighs. Never have, and probably never will. There is just *a lot* of them--more than I want. And I know the filter from my brain to my mouth is rather thin. Rice paper thin. "Did I really just say that out loud?" And then there is the issue of my independence. Funny how I still think I am totally in control, yet clearly I am wrong. Create the earth? No. Make the sun shine? No. Decide how the story ends? Not really.

But the thing is...despite all my shortcomings, flaws, and insecurities, I'm beautiful. Way beautiful. Stunning, as Lucy Van Pelt would say. And my life is beautiful. Way beautiful. Stunning, in fact.

Grace. Again.

Beautiful, Beautiful
by Francesca Battistelli

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful, Beautiful Video

Translation

2010-10-06T11:19:00.002-05:00

I'm way behind on posting--there are so many beautiful tidbits that come from the "mouths of babes." I'm at the tail end of being a part of a musical (behind the scenes, of course), still adjusting to married life and systems we have yet to create, and continuing to learn the delicate balance of work/family/play.

But...onto the beautiful tidbit. Now this one occurred at 5:45 this morning and I was half asleep, so I'm sure I will miss most of the details. But M came into our bed and snuggled up close announcing--"Mommy, I had another bad dream." This, by the way, occasionally happens. We all have them, yes? My sweet son proceeded to tell me about people chasing him, they turned into zombies and then he said, "and that translated into me running as fast as I could to safety. Then I woke up."

I often have the same dream (though not sure I've been chased by zombies--more like the sleestaks from Land of the Lost)--and it struck me that he said "translated into me running to safety." I hadn't really thought of that idea before, but it made sense.

I hugged him tight, thinking 1. my boy is wiser than he lets on and 2. it's all about the translation. When I think of life's journey and the constant labyrinth of situations and decisions, it's necessary to have a translator or better yet, a navigator to get us to the end. We are not home. And sometimes the language of this life is confusing. Good to know I don't have to figure the labyrinth on my own--and it's a good thing that sleestaks and zombies really don't exist.

A Contest

2010-09-18T15:26:00.000-05:00

M: Hey, Mommy, if there was a contest between Michaelangelo and DaVinci for the best artist, do you know who I would vote for?

Mommy: Who?

M: DaVinci. He made that important statue of David. But did you know that David was naked in the statue? And had no arms?

This conversation took place right after Max had gone to the bathroom and taken a shower. I smiled realizing that my 8-year-old, not-so-little boy was thinking about century old artists.

Yep, kind of beautiful.

God's Creation

2010-09-14T09:36:00.001-05:00

M sees a moth on the ground and promptly stomps on it.

B's response: "Max! You just killed God's (pronounced gawd's) creation!"

Until We Are Broken....from Wild at Heart

2010-08-30T07:10:00.000-05:00

Until We Are Broken, Our Lives Will Be Self-Centered

True strength does not come out of bravado. Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own. So long as you think you are really something in and of yourself, what will you need God for? I don't trust a man who hasn't suffered; I don't let a man get close to me who hasn't faced his wound. Think of the posers you know-are they the kind of man you would call at 2:00 A.M., when life is collapsing around you? Not me. I don't want cliches; I want deep, soulful truth, and that only comes when a man has walked the road I've been talking about.

As Frederick Buechner says,

To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do-to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst-is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed. (The Sacred Journey)

Only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory. As Robert Bly says, "Where a man's wound is, that is where his genius will be." There are two reasons for this. First, the wound was given in the place of your true strength, as an effort to take you out. Until you go there you are still posing, offering something more shallow and insubstantial. And therefore, second, it is out of your brokenness that you discover what you have to offer the community. The false self is never wholly false. Those gifts we've been using are often quite true about us, but we've used them to hide behind. We thought that the power of our life was in the golden bat, but the power is in us. When we begin to offer not merely our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become powerful.

(Wild at Heart , 137-38)

Defying Gravity....oh, and a little Veteran Avenue

2010-08-29T23:31:00.001-05:00

Two weeks after my first husband entered the gates of heaven, I fell in love with Elphaba. I didn't mean to--especially after everything I'd been through--but it was hard not to be infatuated with the green-skinned beauty who--well--defied gravity. For many, many years--I would spend at least six Sunday nights a year with my BFF from high school seeing some of the greatest (and not so greatest) shows in history at the Fox Theatre--Jekyll and Hyde, Bring on Da Noise, Bring on Da Funk, Footloose, Fosse--too many to count and then there was Wicked. After every show, I would call Brian on the way home and talk him through all the amazing (or not so amazing) points of the show, even so much as acting out my favorite part when I walked in the door at 10:30 p.m. So it was a little bit off-setting when--on a late November evening--I didn't have anyone to call after I had encountered my soul sister. My loving and most gentle little brother was the recipient of my phone call--and graciously, he listened as I oohed and aahed over the great moment I'd just experienced. Thank you, my sweet brother, you have no idea....

So I quote:

Something has changed within me; Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing; Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts; Close my eyes: and leap!

*******

And if you care to find me--Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo--at least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me; Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am---Defying gravity

Okay, so I know this song is cliche--but somehow sitting there--after all that I had walked over the last year--it seemed appropriate. Of course, I envisioned myself flying above the world--just like the smokescreen of a Broadway show--but really--I just got the point--it was time. It was all about me and Jesus and really no one else. It reminded me of the moment I met him face to face--driving down Veteran Avenue in Century City--when He said--"you know I love you--in all your brokenness--and if you could just breathe for a minute and forget all that you think you have to prove, you would know just how much I love you and because you belong to me, you'll rock this world--and defy a little gravity in the mean time."

Okay, so He didn't say it quite like that, but for that moment, I sensed He wanted me (didn't need me but wanted me) to be His hands and His feet and that meant I was going to fly.

Fly--Sweet Dragonfly--Fly.

Redemption At Its Finest

2010-08-15T15:22:00.003-05:00

Last week I got married. Graciously—for a second time. My first go around donned the dress, the veil, the church, the 300 people. This time it was different. On the beach, with best friends and family. Sand and sea. Barefoot. Champagne brunch on a rooftop. Evening gathering, filled with immeasurable love and laughter. I could not have designed anything more perfect.

Even with all its imperfections.

As I’ve reflected on that moment of pure grace, I keep dancing around the great biblical notion of privileged suffering. Maybe it’s all those years in Los Angeles when I first learned of the “very important people’ concept—being on the list for On the Rox, getting in the side door with Vince Vaughn or hanging with Prince in the VIP room. Name-dropping. Walking on the red carpet. The Deserved. The Entitled.

But what if the deserved didn’t get to be first? Instead, they were last? VIP suffering, maybe? As I’ve traversed life as a widow—one without a partner but never alone or abandoned—God has gently and persistently pushed on my heart the value of sacrifice and suffering—in this world and culture. Missing out on family gatherings because I didn’t have a male counterpart was painful at times. Knowing my kids may never have a dad to coach soccer or baseball or go camping with the Cub Scouts often felt a little like lemon on a paper cut—stinging with a cry of pain but then subsiding. Or evening after evening, in the quietness of my house, knowing that I could never fill the shoes of a father and trusting that God would be there for my boys—all the time, every moment.

But I learned something invaluable. I’ve come to rejoice…sing out….praise…the privilege of suffering. Suffering, I think, is where we understand redemption. I’m sure when God the Father and God the Son decided it was time to redeem humanity, it was not about the valet parking. And I’m sure no designers were summoned to find the perfect fashion for the red carpet.

He is too VIP for that.

Instead, He chose hay and smelly animals and even some lowly shepherds for his entrance. Never owned a home. Never owned a car. Never had many possessions. Sure, there were a few palm fronds and a donkey, but definitely no limos and red carpet.

And the whole redeeming process? Betrayed. Whipped. Beaten. His own friends threw him under a bus. VIP suffering at its finest. All motivated by love. And so I ponder how to be more like Christ. To live gracefully, to love compassionately and to serve faithfully. To engage in the redemption of a broken world. Can I really get it if I am comfortable, avoiding suffering of any kind?

Not really.

Though I don’t have nor will ever know nails in my hands or thorns on my head, the more I lose and suffer in this world, the more I gain in understanding the redemption story. The more I get how truly redemptive it is that I got married again. Or that my children now have a father who can coach baseball and grill hot dogs.

The more I walk this journey, the more I know I need to follow him no matter what because suffering is about as VIP as I can get.

Car Conversations

2010-06-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

M: "Mom, who would win if a TRex and a Dragon got in a duel but the dragon did not have his fire or wings?"

B: (After being asked about his favorite part of a recently attended wedding): "The Cake and the Canoe (the bride and groom canoed across the pond to the reception).

Faith, Love, Hope

2010-06-23T10:25:00.000-05:00

An excerpt from Captivating:

Unveiling our beauty really just means unveiling our feminine hearts.

It's scary, for sure. That is why it is our greatest expression of faith, because we are going to have to trust Jesus-really trust him. We'll have to trust him that we have a beauty, that what he has said of us is true. And we'll have to trust him with how it goes when we offer it, because that is out of our control. We'll have to trust him when it hurts, and we'll have to trust him when we are finally seen and enjoyed. That's why unveiling our beauty is how we live by faith.

Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope it will matter, that our beauty really does make a difference. We hope there is a greater and higher Beauty, hope we are reflecting that Beauty, and hope it will triumph. Our hope is that all is well because of Jesus, and that all will be well because of him. So we unveil beauty in hope. And finally, we unveil beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are under way. Restoration has begun. To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.

And unveiling beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world most needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Jesus offers, he invites, he is present. That is how he loves. That is how we love-sincerely, as the Scripture says, "from the heart" (1 Peter 1:22). Our focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. We offer Beauty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God. That is love.

Page 147

"Mom, I LOVE Colorado!"

2010-06-23T10:10:00.000-05:00

Recently we traveled (by car--it was an adventure) to Colorado to visit one of my college roommates. Four adults + six kids + lots of activities = loads of fun.

Activity List:
Football with the dads
Park play
Alpine Slide
Bungee jumping (back flips rule!!)
Swimming pool for the day
Movie night
Science museum (dinosaurs and mummy exhibits!)
Ice cream cones
Boy sleep over at Poppy's
Turkey burgers on the grill
Drum lessons with Ian
Shows and Tricks in the backyard (yes, we have video)
Date night for the Parentals
GNO for the roommates

Summertime

2010-06-09T21:40:00.000-05:00

Going to soccer camp at WCA
Making friends
Drinking Gatorade

Going swimming at the pool
Floating down the lazy river
Flying down the water slide

Playing kickball in the backyard
Planting basil
Eating popsicles

Taking evening outings
Watching the Cards play
Listening to music outside

Taking trips to visit friends and family
Colorado
California

Experiencing Grace

Experiencing Redemption

Beautiful days of summer are here.

Aunt and Uncle Day

2010-05-18T19:05:00.001-05:00

M: Mom, do they have Aunt and Uncle Day like they have Mother's Day and Father's Day?

S: No.

M: Well, they should. I would make Aunt Mimi, Aunt Nealy, Uncle Peepee, and Uncle Stephen cards and do stuff for them. They deserve it! Oh, and I would wrestle Uncle Peepee.

Another Mother's Day

2010-05-11T11:10:00.002-05:00

My boys have been well-trained. Thanks, Nana. They planned everything by themselves and executed the perfect Mother's Day morning for me.

There was a note on the cabinet where I keep my coffee cups. It said, "Look in here." So I did. A gorgeous card made by Max. And a yellow bracelet that said Strength on it.

"Mommy, I wanted blue but Mrs. Rahm didn't have anymore, so I picked yellow. And then I saw that it said strength and I thought that fit you because we haven't had Daddy here since we were way little."

Then, my little peeps (all whispering) went outside and brought me a flower that Briggs had grown in class. They had kept it alive for two whole days. Outside, hidden.

Then I received a coupon book. From B--offering to do things like water the plants and give me some quiet time.

And then came the hugs and kisses. The best part.

A Song and a Pair of Shoes

2010-04-29T16:41:00.004-05:00

So last night we went to church. Max sang songs with the choir, one of two boys up there. What I love about him is that he does what he wants and doesn't care what anyone thinks. He sang his heart out. And Briggs--had me in tears--they picked out gifts for their family in his catechism class--and he picked out a pair of shoes for me (size 13 little girls, mind you) and was SO proud of them. All I could think of was that song they play at Christmas--Christmas Shoes--about a little boy buying shoes for his dying mother--I couldn't stop crying or hugging him.

I have the sweetest little guys in the world. How I love them.

The Meek and The Mighty

2010-04-26T09:39:00.004-05:00

WHO THE MEEK ARE NOT

Not the bristle-bearded Igors bent
under burlap sacks, not peasants knee-deep
in the rice paddy muck,
nor the serfs whose quarter-moon sickles
make the wheat fall in waves
they don't get to eat. My friend the Franciscan
nun says we misread
that word "meek" in the Bible verse that blesses them.
To undersand the meek
(she says) picture a great stallion at full gallop
in a meadow, who--
at his master's voice--sizes up to a stunned
but instant halt.
So with the strain of holding that great power
in check, the muscles
along the arched neck keep eddying,
and only the velvet ears
prick forward, awaiting the next order.

-Mary Karr

It's so easy to picture myself in the rice paddies. In many ways, my story--my main character--could look more like the heroine of the The Good Earth. Not that she was weak....but...I'd rather have velvet ears. And fall down the rabbit hole. And meet a wizard and fight the White Witch. And then ride the waves of a storm while my Master sleeps.

Journey or Homestead?

Every great story involves a quest. In J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins ran from the door at a quarter till eleven without even so much as a pocket handkerchief and launched on an adventure that would change his life forever. Alice stepped through the looking glass into Wonderland; Lucy, Edmund, Susan, and Peter stumbled through the wardrobe into Narnia. Abraham left his country, his people, and his father’s household to follow the most outlandish sort of promise from a God he’d only just met, and he never came back. Jacob and his sons went to Egypt for some groceries and four hundred years later the Israel nation pulled up stakes and headed for home. Peter, Andrew, James, and John all turned on a dime one day to follow the Master, their fishing nets heaped in wet piles behind them. The Sacred Romance involves for every soul a journey of heroic proportions. And while it may require for some a change of geography, for every soul it means a journey of the heart.

The choice before us now is to journey or to homestead, to live like Abraham, the friend of God, or like Robinson Crusoe, the lost soul cobbling together some sort of existence with whatever he can salvage from the wreckage of the world. Crusoe was no pilgrim; he was a survivor, hunkered down for the duration. He lived in a very, very small world where he was the lead character and all else found its focus in him. Of course, to be fair, Crusoe was stranded on an island with little hope of rescue. We have been rescued, but still the choice is ours to stay in our small stories, clutching our household gods and false lovers, or to run in search of life.

(The Sacred Romance , 143–44)

Family Photo Session

2009-12-09T06:57:00.004-06:00

One day after school not too long ago, our favorite high schooler in the world, Ellie, was hanging out with us. I asked her to take a family picture, much like the one we did last year, so that I could use it for our Christmas greeting. M and B raced to their rooms, rummaged through drawers and such, and emerged quite handsomely in vests and ties. For about a 1/2 hour we posed, made funny faces, irritated each other, even tried to do a couple pictures outside (you can only imagine). Well, this was the very last one we took, and it worked well enough.

I love my little family.

Christmas Wants

2009-12-06T17:59:00.002-06:00

The tree is up, the lights are on, and the Christmas music continuously echos through my cozy home. And two little boys are getting into the spirit of the season. Not long ago, B started singing, much like Mariah Carey - "All I Want For Christmas is You." I think he was singing to his favorite piggy, Squishy.

Funny thing about Christmas, it brings such exacerbated emotion. I've decided most of it is a ploy by the advertisers, but there is always that bit of truth that is thread throughout the commercial deluge of stimuli. I've sort of fallen in love with Amy Grant's song, "I Need a Silent Night." Thinking back so many years ago, I picture a stable, a bed of hay, two teenagers, and bunch of smelly animals. And probably taking place in the summer not the dead of winter. How beautiful it must have been. As I embark on this festive season, I need that silent night, to help me remember why we even have green and red and fudge and presents. Yes, it came upon a midnight clear--how cool is that?

Stitches and 2nd Grade

2009-09-09T19:05:00.005-05:00

First, the stitches. About a week ago during one of Max's evening soccer practices, we had quite the event. B fell and bumped the back of his head on the play structure. Lots of bustling parents and plenty of tears later, we arrived at Missouri Baptist Hospital to quickly learn that a few stitches were necessary for my very brave five year old. We spent many a minutes (almost two hours) watching Bugs Bunny/Road Runner, singing songs, and telling stories while we waited for the doctor to perform the procedure. B was brave, brave, brave with only a few tears. Mommy, on the other hand, cried plenty. But there was a popsicle at the end of the evening and lots of snuggles (and piggies) when he got home.

On another note - here is the conversation that ensued this evening:

M: Mom, did you know that I'm 7 and I still sleep with a stuffed animal?
S: Do you think that is good or bad?
M: Well, it's bad. No, I mean, I don't know. What do you think?
S: Did someone say something at school? (oh, no, here we go, i thought)
M: No, it's just that I'm in 2nd grade and I still have Tiger.
S: Well, I love Tiger. We can just leave Tiger at home whenever you go anywhere to spend the night. No one needs to know you still sleep with him unless you want to tell them. (We are not really doing sleepovers except at best friend and family's homes, but I thought I'd throw that out there if it were to happen.)
M: (Thoughtful for a minute) Well, C (one of his best friends) still sleeps with his animals, and C (his other best friend) sleeps with her blanket.
S: See? I think it's good and I think Tiger can stay.
M: Good. I think so, too. (lots of hugs and kisses)

The World According to Max

2009-08-27T20:41:00.004-05:00

Tonight we had a rough night. Everyone was tired and basically I waited way too long to do the bedtime routine, mainly because all of us have screen addiction - we are into learning computer games around here as incentives to finish homework.

Okay...so...as Max was in the bath and I was frustrated with several behavior issues, I said to him, "Please stop being sassy - I think you are reading too much of Calvin and Hobbes. (he loves it because there is a tiger - i'm not so fond of the attitude)" His response: "Oh, I was sassy way before reading Calvin and Hobbes."

After baths, I needed to view a video for tomorrow that had Brian in it - Max wanted to watch it. He crawled up next to me, put his hand on my back (and kept it there for the whole video) and said, "It's okay if you get sad Mommy, I'm right here."

Mario Kart

2009-07-29T19:30:00.003-05:00

While playing Mario Kart online (with good friends):

M (who is baby luigi): "You better not mess with a baby!"

M and B: "They are kicking our butts!"

Not sure where they learned that one....

I Am a Rock Star

2009-07-20T22:38:00.001-05:00

I Am a Rock Star
by M. Maynor

I am a rock star!
Master of the skull.
I believe in God forever and ever and ever.
Not for three or four or five or six days.
I do it every day in my life.

Mother's Day gift

2009-07-20T22:21:00.003-05:00

Okay, I know, it's almost the end of July. Better late than never, right?

Well, I'm not a huge Mother's Day fan. But my own mother is and she has trained my boys by teaching them to make cards, to be sweet and do loving things for me on that day. So, it's morning, and of course, I'm up before anyone else, and I'm busy making coffee when I hear Max sort of running down the hall. He's usually not so exuberant in the morning, but I didn't think too much about it. He asked if I had made my coffee yet (now, I was curious - that is never a question I usually get in the morning) - I said I was working on it but it would be a few minutes - heating water, etc. He hovered around me and finally said, "why don't you get my vitamins out?" At this point, it was clear he wanted me to do something specific, so I complied and opened the cabinet to get the vitamins - and out fell a gorgeous homemade card. He beamed. Apparently, in the middle of the night, he got up, hid the card, knowing that I would make coffee in the morning and find it.

He is totally his father's son.

Painting Like Michelangelo

2009-06-12T21:07:00.001-05:00

Painting Like Michelangelo
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Briggs and best buddy Luke are preparing to paint Bible stories while on their backs under a table, just like Michelangelo did when he painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel - gotta love Mrs. Burzinski. I need to organize pictures of his art and then I'll post all his work.

Across the Ocean

2009-06-12T20:51:00.001-05:00

a quick stop before le pain de quotidien
Originally uploaded by smaynor

I had the privilege of spending a few days in London with one of my roommates from college. She and her family live in Surrey, where life moves a little slower and 4:00 tea abounds. My friend and I traversed the great city, seeing Westminster Abbey, the British Museum, the Portrait Gallery, Portabello Road Flea Market, Parliament, and a host of other glorious sites, one of which was a stop at the communal table--Le Pain de Quotidien. An afternoon at Windsor Castle, a morning at Stonehenge, High Tea in London--I'm amazed at the intricacies of story throughout our fragile world.

Rockin' Out

2009-06-11T22:57:00.003-05:00

Rockin' Out
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Sometime in early spring, there was a concert in my living room. Snagged this great shot of the keyboard player.

Back to Birthdays

2009-06-10T06:37:00.003-05:00

Going back a few months, both my boys entered odd digits this year. In lieu of birthday parties, each one had a "date" with me--Max to see Cirque Dreams at the Fox and Briggs to the new wing of the Magic House. Max, though he was seven, still wanted to sit on my lap the whole show, his favorite part being the "tiger" acrobats--these ridiculously strong men who climbed up each other (only strength, no props) to be a four person tower. We went with my best friend from high school, Kristen, and her family. At some point, she said to me--"Connor (her 10 year old son) would be in Tim's lap if Tim would let him." Little boys....

Briggs could not have been more excited to explore and learn at the Magic House. Just yesterday, we were invited for a Free Night with our church, and Briggs "explained" everything to Max--I think he will be running the country someday.

More birthday pics to come.

Time to Blog Again

2009-06-04T18:04:00.002-05:00

So much to share:

Birthdays
Spring Days
Trips
New Endeavors
Mother's Day surprises
Last of school days

Will do so. Very Soon. Lots of pictures.

Thank you

2009-03-01T07:48:00.007-06:00

Thank you for all the prayers for Max. We are not out of this yet - but at the very least, we see some healing and maybe not as many little pox places as before. He's in much better spirits now.

I sometime marvel at God's creation as I look at my two boys - so different and so complex. I've been doing a fair amount of reading on learning styles in order to best support the both of them. As I've discovered, they learn in completely opposite ways.

You can only imagine homework time.

Last week, Briggs brought home two books that he wanted to read and promptly sat on the couch and read them. Max brought home an invention - a water catcher that he'd made out of recycled material during center time - and promptly went outside to try and hook it up.

Briggs invents more homework. Max doodles all over his spelling sheet. I LOVE my little guys!

Please Pray

2009-02-22T08:20:00.004-06:00

Please pray for Max. He has a type of pox virus that is wreaking havoc on his immune system. In order to treat it, he is very uncomfortable, and it seems to be leaving little pockmarks, which could be permanent. Please pray that God would heal him completely and that there would be no permanent marks. Thanks.

Our Faithful Father

2008-12-25T20:54:00.009-06:00

In the middle of wrapping paper and gifts this Christmas morning:

B: Max, I always want to love you.

M: Well, when you love me, you always knock me down. (as in a hug)

A lovely Christmas celebration this year. I was blessed to see my little boys love on each other and love on others.

And as I've reflected on this season, I'm humbled to see God's redemptive hand in so many corners of my life. Recently, M shared with me some thoughts about Brian, how he missed him and what Brian must look like now that he was in heaven. And then in his quiet, reflective way, he expressed his love and trust and respect for a special friend of ours, a man whom he's known since he was born (and who knew Brian). In his own words: "I think of him like a dad." Rather beautiful and graceful of God, I must say. He's faithful to the big picture of Christmas and to the small picture of each individual child that He calls His own.

Have a very Merry Christmas.

Christmas 08

2008-12-21T12:19:00.002-06:00

my little family
Originally uploaded by smaynor

I rarely get a family picture as I tend to be the photographer, but my mom graciously offered and I like this one. Merry Christmas all.

first day of school

2008-11-10T14:19:00.001-06:00

first day of school
Originally uploaded by smaynor

A little late.

First day of school for M and B. First grade, full day. JK, three full days. Rock star brothers.

My Scarecrow and Tin Man

2008-11-10T09:49:00.001-06:00

IMG_4128
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Halloween fun. Fire Pit. Turkey Dogs. Costumes. S'mores. Candy. Fellowship.

Another Year in Heaven

2008-11-10T07:38:00.004-06:00

This past Friday, November 7th, marked the three year anniversary of Brian's Homecoming. And my family is together, happy and healthy. What a testament to my Father, whose promises are faithful and true, and to His perfection and plan for a life that seems chaotic and scary.

This year I experienced peace. Deep breathing peace. Yes, I miss Brian, probably always will, but it doesn't ache so intensely anymore. It's restful and quiet, a graceful tugging every now and then on my heart, not an iron grip, squeezing tirelessly. As I reflect on the past three years, I see just how big of a mess I was. To those first months when life felt like Tom's Twister. Focus, breathe, take a step forward, wait I'm dizzy. To the first year, then the second, when reality stampeded over my life, and I did everything to avoid broken bones. To today, the beginnings of the fourth year without my sweet Brian, when I'm hopeful for new beginnings and new endeavors. Life is but a moment's time in light of eternity. Knowing that in the very fabric of my soul has helped me embrace the pain and joy of the moment, the mercy and grace of the day, and the glorious discomfort and blessings of this earthly life. To know Him more, to feel His presence, to see my heart transformed by His work, may this year unfold in His great plan.

Spatial thinking

2008-11-10T07:32:00.002-06:00

milky way galaxy
Originally uploaded by smaynor

One afternoon this fall, M designed his own version of the Milky Way galaxy. What you can't see are Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto. They are in the bottom right part of the patio, just a little too much out of my range for the photo. What surprised me was that he knew all the planets and in order. Love my spatial/visual child.

Grace in Hidden Places

2008-09-24T22:19:00.008-05:00

I'm all about finding grace in every moment of my life. A monumental endeavor for a task-oriented, approval-addicted person such as me. That's why I decided to make it priority. And I just finished _Grace Eventually_ by Anne Lamott and _Sin Boldly: A Field Guide to Grace_ by Cathleen Falsani, two extraordinary reads by two extraordinary women.

It took me 27 years to finally grasp any sort of understanding of grace. I distinctly recall driving home in LA traffic - down Veteran Avenue in Century City, when I began weeping. I mean pull-over-to-the-side-of-the-road weeping. Only one other moment like that have I had and that was about cancer and Brian and dying and saying good-bye. Uncontrollable crying. Headache-will-soon-follow crying. Freedom crying. Full of Grace crying. In that beautiful moment did I understand that there was absolutely nothing that would change my standing with Christ, stop trying to do and just begin to be. Of course, that moment so etched in my simple mind has long since been clouded with many moments of doing, but it's still my moment, my glorious gift of revelation from the God who created the universe.

So back to my daily grace. Here's what I've discovered:

1. My house is filled with laughter and voices and inquiry and discovery.
2. God's provision is perfect - never too much, never too little.
3. Grace is an "invitation to be beautiful" in my widowhood - to be loved deeply and passionately by the one who is Love.
4. People are truly broken beauties - glorious image bearers of the Almighty.
5. Little boys are SOOO fun.
6. Just when you think it can never be fixed, it comes together.

The list continues...daily...as I choose to see the glorious grace of the day because really that's all I get - just enough for the day, even just for the moment, and I may miss it. Ahh, hearing music come from M and B's room as they fall into dreamland, knowing they are safe and beautiful. Just for this moment. What a gift.

Time Flies

2008-09-16T22:08:00.002-05:00

Days have flown. Time is disappearing. Deep breath I keep telling myself. School started weeks ago and I have yet to download pictures from my camera of the two snazziest boys I know. Everyone is doing well, though I think they would rather be half day. Both have complained at how looong the day is - oh, honeys, it is only beginning. We've got jobs, allowances, and strict bed times (which I'm currently trying to enforce EVERY night between negotiations). We have soccer practice, homework, and new friends. Ahhhh, elementary school. I used to think it was easier, but I'm not so sure about that - all the kids to filter, work to do, and bosses to manage, sans the mortgage and cost of gas.

A Game of Fives

2008-08-20T20:11:00.005-05:00

The Meme of Fives Game
My friends Amy and Deb both tagged me for the Meme of Fives Game.
Here goes...

How it works:
1. Post the rules of the game at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read the player's blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you've posted your answer.

What were you doing five years ago?
I was a mother of only one.

What are five things on your to-do list for today?
1. make lunch for my little peeps
2. finish Sin Boldly
3. work out
4. finish laundry
5. draft baby video

What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. almond butter and pretzels
2. apples
3. trail mix, all sorts
4. energy bars
5. grapes

What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Take a deep breath and smile once again at God's provision
2. Give to WCA whatever it needs to finish its new campus
3. Give to CCS whatever it needs to have a rockin' new campus
4. Get my kids educational fund set and ready to go
5. Set up funds at both CCS, KDS and WCA for kids of single moms to have an awesome Christian education

What are five of your bad habits?
1. Fear
2. Laziness
3. Anxiety
4. Saying what I think
5. Multi-tasking

What are five places where you have lived?
1. Barrington, IL
2. Los Angeles, CA
3. St. Louis, MO
4. Wheaton, IL
5. Princeton, NJ

What are five jobs you've had?
1. teacher: elementary school, middle school, and high school
2. aerobics instructor
3. tutor
4. writer/producer/videographer
5. curriculum consultant

Five people I tag:
1. Lisa T.
2. Annette A.
3. Melanie M.
4. Genna P.
5. Lisa A.

Never Let Go

2008-08-17T21:14:00.003-05:00

Yesterday as we rode in the car listening to a CD, M pipes up from the back.

M: Hey, Mom. I know what that means.

S: What are you talking about, buddy?

M: The song.

It was the VBS CD. The song currently playing, which I assumed was the one he referenced, was "Never Let Go" If I recall the lyrics correctly, they go something like this - "Never Let Go, never let go, oh, Lord, you never let go. Oh, Lord you never let go, thru the calm and thru the storms. Oh, Lord you never let go of me."

M: The Lord never let go of Luke.

S: (I'm thinking Luke Beachy and trying to guess what in the world he's going to say) Luke who, honey?

M: You know, Luke when he was in the snow storm.

He was, of course, referencing the great hero, Luke Skywalker, in his near death experience on the remote planet of Hoth.

What a little dude. Love that he gets it.

B's New Song

2008-08-17T08:17:00.001-05:00

On a swingset, singing to his friend:

"Mommy doesn't have to push me anymore. Mommy doesn't have to push me anymore.

I can pump! I can pump! I can pump!"

Summer's End

2008-08-09T09:47:00.002-05:00

Wow. I can't believe how quickly the glory of summer slips into my memory. I have a stack of photos to load of flickr from our summer. VBS, Colorado, trips to the pool, swimming lessons, play dates at the park, lightening bugs, staying up late, ice cream, bike riding, visiting friends. We've had a good one, filled with laughter and activities and experiences. We've discussed God's Word, seen a ghost town, and hiked through the jungles of St. Louis. Now we move to apples, football games, cozy sweaters, and campfires. The beautiful inns of this life.

With school in sight, we've begun to brush up on our math facts and reading and have already purchased new school shoes. M is going to 1st grade and full day! (Deep breath) And B, he's off to JK. Seems like only a moment ago they both had sippy cups and a brand new Piggy and Tiger.

Water Poke

2008-07-20T11:44:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile. I'll catch up on our happenings at another time, but a quick note about Briggs. Recently, we went swimming at a friend's house and all of a sudden Briggs comes over to me, in angst, showing me something which looked like a splinter in his hand. He pulled it out and then started wailing. I wasn't sure what was up - splinter in the water? He kept crying, " I have a water poke. I have a water poke." He did calm down, but there was a little spot, small, but a spot resembling a bee sting. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a bee was hovering next to the wall.

Christ is All

2008-07-01T22:02:00.002-05:00

A friend recently shared this Puritan prayer with me. I can't get it out of my mind.

Christ Is All

O lover to the uttermost,
May I read the meltings of thy heart to me
in the manger of thy birth,
in the garden of thy agony,
in the cross of thy suffering,
in the tomb of thy resurrection,
in the heaven of thy intercession.
Bold in this thought I defy my adversary,
tread down his temptations,
resist his schemings,
renounce the world,
am valiant for truth.
Deepen in me a sense of my holy relationship to thee,
as spiritual bridegroom,
as Jehovah's fellow,
as sinners' friend.
I think of thy glory and my vileness,
thy majesty and my meanness,
thy beauty and my deformity,
thy purity and my filth,
thy righteousness and my iniquity.
Thou hast loved me everlastingly, unchangeably,
may I love thee as I am loved;
Thou hast given thyself for me,
may I give myself to thee;
Thou hast died for me,
may I live to thee,
in every moment of my time,
in every movement of my mind,
in every pulse of my heart.
May I never dally with the world and its allurements,
but walk by thy side,
listen to thy voice,
be clothed with thy graces,
and adorned with thy righteousness.

Amen.

Melanie Rocks!

2008-06-28T22:24:00.002-05:00

I've been praying/looking for a loft/bunk bed system for my boys for over a year. Of course, retail they are almost cost prohibitive, but I've been fairly consistent in checking craigslist. Well, I finally found one - right price, right wood, right size. The whole deal. But, of course, I needed a truck. A couple phone calls and no truck later, my sister-in-law, Melanie, offered to help me. Mind you, this includes all four children because Uncle Peter works on Saturday. Well, I figured it would be an adventure if anything. We hit a couple of garage sales and actually found a couple of treasures, meaning things we would never buy in a store and really don't need, but want. I had emptied out my van, including all my seats, so all the kids piled in Melanie's car and I drove my empty van out to Fenton. No need for endless details, but the bed pieces did all fit in the van, and we made it all the way back to my house with no issues. We sent the children to play and my awesome, awesome sister-in-law helped me set the whole thing up, heavy mattresses (beastly) and all! Thank you, Mel, you are the best! Of course, by the time we were finished it was close to 1:30 and everyone was melting down. But as I write, my two sweet, sweet boys are sleeping peacefully in their new "bed."

And Max, who is growing by leaps and bounds, climbed into the top bunk and said, "Thank you, Mommy, for my new bunk bed." No prompting, no guilt, no nothing. That was worth every sore muscle I will feel in the next 48 hours!

Conversations

2008-06-26T20:24:00.002-05:00

While riding in the car:

M: Hey, Briggs, did you know you are my best friend?

B: But I'm your brother.

M: Brothers can be best friends.

B: Okay

Before bed:

B: Mommy, I'm going to love piggies even when I get big.

S: Sure, buddy, of course you can.

B: I'm going to love them when I get old and then go to heaven.

S: Okay.

B: (a lip is quivering) They do have piggies in heaven, don't they?

Cousin LIllian

2008-06-26T07:55:00.002-05:00

B: Mommy? Did you know that if you eat an apple seed, you will turn into an apple in 10 weeks?

S: Really, buddy? Where did you learn that?

B: Lillian told me.

S: Well, I'm not sure where Lillian learned that, but I'm fairly sure you will not turn into an apple if you eat an apple seed.

B: Yes, you will. Lillian told me.

The power of a 5 year old.

Kissable Cheeks

2008-06-08T21:48:00.001-05:00

Picnic
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Yes, I kiss these cheeks all the time. This past week M had soccer camp at WCA. LOTS of kids, most of them older. When I said good-bye the first day, I leaned down to him and said, "buddy, I have to go now. Can I give you a kiss or just a high five?" I didn't want to embarrass him in front of the sea of children playing soccer. His response? Better than I expected. "Both."

To Say Goodbye On This Side of Glory

2008-06-08T21:30:00.002-05:00

This weekend I had the opportunity to visit with amazing old friends from my days at Camp Soaring Hawk and to say goodbye to one my heroes, Heno Head. A name that I've known for most of my life. A man who has inspired, encouraged, and taught so many about the love of Christ. And now it is close to the time when he will go Home, safe and sound into the arms of His Father. The truth is I want to be like Heno Head. I want to persevere despite adversity. I want to know and remember the names of those to whom God calls me to love and minister. I want to serve faithfully all of my days. And I want to deny self in order to see great movement in the Kingdom of God. Not that God gives us everything we "want," but He does give us those beautiful people and beautiful experiences to see and know Him better. Heno was twice beautiful to me. And I'm sure to many, many more.

Fascinating

2008-06-01T15:19:00.001-05:00

Love these three
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Trucks and dirt. What else is there?

Surprise

2008-06-01T15:18:00.001-05:00

My Birthday with my four little people
Originally uploaded by smaynor

My dear friends surprised me for my big birthday, but not before my niece and nephew showed up with homemade cupcakes and pictures. Apparently, Lillian thought I needed some cake. On her initiative, we all enjoyed delicious cupcakes (with jelly in the middle) for an afternoon snack.

A Couple Cowboys

2008-06-01T15:15:00.001-05:00

Birthday Presents from Gran-nan and Aunt Linny
Originally uploaded by smaynor

With much extended family in Texas, I guess it was inevitable that we'd attain a couple cowboy hats.

Lillian

2008-06-01T09:54:00.001-05:00

Lillian
Originally uploaded by smaynor

My beautiful niece.

B, M, and G

2008-05-31T22:02:00.001-05:00

three cool studs
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Both B and G want to be like M. I often wonder if M realizes the power he has.

Happy Birthday

2008-05-31T21:13:00.001-05:00

Cardinals Day and B's 4th birthday
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Just a little late. Briggs on his 4th birthday, which just happened to be Cardinal Day at school.

Cozy

2008-05-23T06:43:00.003-05:00

M likes to button the top button on all his polos. I asked him why. "Because it's cozy."

A Little Prayer

2008-05-19T20:23:00.001-05:00

B: "Thank you, Jesus, for the universe and for the world. And thank you for the jungles and the oceans. And thank you for our world. And thank you for our houses. And thank you for kitchens and for food we eat. And thank you for stores and the boxes. Amen."

Walk Like A Man

2008-05-06T16:54:00.003-05:00

I recently saw Jersey Boys at the Fox Theatre. Wow. An amazing performance. So many songs. I came home and immediately downloaded the greatest hits. Of course, my children have now been introduced to Frankie Valli and "Walk Like A Man." Every time the song comes on, they start marching around singing it. So, so cute.

Seven Things

2008-05-03T20:42:00.006-05:00

Several days ago, my dear friend Amy tagged me and now I have to list seven things about myself that maybe nobody would know. Thanks, Amy. I owe you one. The problem I have, though, is that my life is ridiculously predictable, and I'm not sure I have seven interesting, obscure facts about my life. And anything really intriguing isn't something I should post on this blog.

But, I'll give it a try.

1. I have a fear of heights. I like to think I'm brave, but I'm nothing of the sort.

2. I dated/hung out with/whatever you want to call it (for a brief while) the star of _A Christmas Story_. He was all grown-up but still had those glasses.

3. I cry in movies, even the stupid ones like _Ten Things I Hate About You_. It all began when I was three and my parents took me to see _Snoopy, Come Home_. Apparently, I was so wrecked by Snoopy's departure that they had to leave the movie before it was over. I also cry when reading books aloud to my children, even simple ones like _The Library Lion_.

4. I dislike being alone. I find it ironic that I'm now a youngish widow because being married brought so much peace to my angst. I guess God wants me to learn a few things.

5. In college, I used to run (just a couple miles a day). Most evenings, I would run to the Scripture Press building, about a mile or so from campus, and dance in the back parking lot. It was surrounded by trees and I prayed no one was looking. I'm sure I looked ridiculous, but it was fabulous for my soul.

6. I don't like driving. I like to be in control so I typically offer to drive, but I really don't like it at all.

7. I rarely finish a book. My attention span is okay, but I get bored very easily. If the book doesn't move fast enough, I typically abandon it for a time and start a new one. Yes, it's a problem because I'm usually in the middle of about ten books.

Okay, there they are. Seven rather uninteresting tidbits that I'm comfortable sending out into cyberspace. I'm not sure who to tag, maybe Lisa A, Melanie, Beth, Amy D, Lisa T, Michelle, Annette. Or really anyone that wants to be tagged :).

2008-05-01T22:13:00.002-05:00

At CCS for B's class last fall.

Doctor Visits

2008-05-01T18:42:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I took the boys for their yearly check-ups. All is well in the land of boyhood. M smartly sits in the 65th percentile of both height and weight and has good eyes and ears. B is a little more on the lighter side--50 in height and 25 in weight--but has excellent eyes and ears. He cried when he got his shots, and I told him he was so brave. He gasped between sobs, "No, I'm not brave!" I hugged him SO tight and said, "Yes, big boy, you are brave - you got the shots - you did it. That's brave!" He didn't buy it at first, but later in the car, I reminded him of how brave he was. He smiled and said, "Yes, I was."

Fear

2008-04-30T21:15:00.005-05:00

I find this whole blog thing fascinating yet absolutely terrifying. When Brian started this years ago, it made sense to me. A writer, a techie of sorts, sure write a blog. The man didn't say much, but he sure could create a symphony (he'd probably say a folk song or two) on paper. Me, I'm more of a comic book type, with bubbles and characters and shallow, incomprehensible thoughts. I'm more of talker, as many of my friends will attest. At first, I was okay with it, write on the blog, for those far away, for those close by, stories of the boys, stories of your faith, anything that came to mind to share. But as the years have moved forward, I find it more and more challenging to really write anything of consequence. Maybe it's the last weeks, as I've faced fear after fear and realized how crippled I really am. Shouldn't I just write of God's glory? Of His beauty? Of His perfection? I recently thought to myself, "if I only read my Bible and prayed as much as I worried about this or that or bustled around trying to be productive, I'd be deeply spiritual and exceptionally peaceful." Instead, I grab the nearest magazine, surf the news, watch my most recent Netflix, or better yet, sleep. Why do I run from the one thing that gives the most to me? I've joked with myself, "you realize you are cursed, Susan" as I've had my engagement ring, video camera, and digital camera taken from my home, had my basement flooded from recent rains, and had my professional expertise questioned (something I've clung to for identity a good portion of my adult life) by those who just simply don't like my presence at their workplace, all in the last year. It's so easy to see the challenges. It's so easy to see the failures. It's so easy to feel sorry for all that I don't have but want. Again, I ask myself, why do I run from the one thing that gives the most to me? Didn't His death on the cross cover it for me? Three years ago, for some reason it did, but as I trudge to glory, I forget. I forget that He loves me. I forget that He cares more for my heart than my circumstances. I forget He fills my soul more than any relationship here on earth. Instead, I stare at the blank screen hoping something witty and intelligent will leap forth and want people to read the blog.

Tonight we had dinner with our new friends, whose daughter Mia just turned 5 in December. She and Briggs are buds. She turned to Briggs and asked if Jesus lived in his heart. He said yes. Pretty simple answer to a loaded question. I think that is what I often "forget." He lives IN my heart, not upstairs or down the street or whenever I think He may be around to hear my pleas. He's there ALL the time, living within me, waiting for me patiently as I run around in circles avoiding His gaze, feeling "cursed." Who had things stolen? Who was mocked? Who was beaten? Oh, yeah. My Savior. The one waiting for me while I feel sorry for myself.

How easy it is to cling to the temporal emotions of fear and self-pity rather than the eternal connection of glory.

My little B

2008-04-25T22:48:00.002-05:00

B LOVES Aunt Nealy
Originally uploaded by smaynor

I just love this picture of Briggs. Something about the smile.
And the eyes.

Different Generation

2008-04-21T15:12:00.002-05:00

The IPhone Mini-lesson
Originally uploaded by smaynor

We grew up on Star Wars, Atari, and the invention of the cordless phone. Our kids will grow up with HD 3D, the WII, and the IPhone.

More pics up on flickr

2008-04-20T22:48:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure who reads this blog...but I did just put up a bunch of new pictures on flickr of birthdays and day trips. And more are coming, so feel free to browse.

LA Aquarium

2008-04-15T22:02:00.001-05:00

IMG_2958
Originally uploaded by smaynor

When we went to LA, we took a little trip on our own to the Long Beach Aquarium. It has an amazing Pacific Ocean exhibit, in which we found Nemo in several different tanks.

Mr. Responsible

2008-04-06T22:56:00.002-05:00

In the past several days, my eldest has shined in his exhibition of responsibility.

1. Friday morning, Max got dressed, put his shoes on and brushed his teeth without any prompting.
2. Today he did the same thing. This time it was for church.
3. This afternoon his water bottle was in the car and he asked if he could go get it (before bed). He took my keys, opened the car door, got it out, closed the car door, and reset the alarm. And then handed me the keys. He knew what button to push and everything.
4. Last night at dinner, his paper napkin got all wet. We didn't have any more in the basket where we keep them, so he went downstairs to where I store them. I fully expected him to show up with only one. Instead, he brought up a handful, put them in the basket, and brought over a couple to the table to make sure everyone had one.
5. Last week he offered to clean the house.

Nana's Treats

2008-03-29T21:39:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday Boys
Originally uploaded by smaynor

Before we went to CA, Nana surprised the boys with treats from Cookies by Design. Piggies and Tigers, well, they are favored around the Maynor home.

Mickey Mouse

2008-03-29T21:37:00.001-05:00

Long wait to meet the master
Originally uploaded by smaynor

We waiting in line for over an hour for three seconds with the man himself. If it weren't Mickey Mouse....

Happy Birthday Max

2008-03-29T21:35:00.003-05:00

Six Years Old
Originally uploaded by smaynor

It's hard to believe that six years ago this little man was born. He's the coolest kid on the planet, at least in my book. Max spent his 6th birthday hangin' with his Uncle Stephen at Disneyland. (Aunt Nealy would have been there but the little one in her belly was giving her trouble.) We rode the Jungle Adventure, the Pirate ride, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, a roller coaster in Toon Town (the name escapes me), Finding Nemo, Buzz Lightyear, and several others. We ate ice cream, watched the parade, and picked out treasures in the Buzz Lightyear gift shop. Though it was insanely crowded, I'd do it again tomorrow. Briggs had a blast, too. They both loved the roller coaster and the Buzz Lightyear ride the best.

Sleeping In

2008-03-07T23:21:00.001-06:00

A phone conversation earlier today while at Nana's:

M: Mom, I think I will still be asleep when you get here tomorrow morning. I like to sleep in.

His father would be so proud.

Literate and Loving

2008-02-23T20:58:00.005-06:00

M is reading. Simple books and Dr. Suess but reading nonetheless. It seems like it happened overnight. For our all-snuggly-in-Mama"s-bed story time, we just finished reading Winnie the Pooh and have started Little House in the Big Woods. B typically gets bored (though he's reading a few simple words, too) and says, "This is taking too long!" He's still a picture book man for the moment. These longer "chapter books", as M says proudly, don't have enough visual stimulation. All in good time. I'm ready to dig out my boxes of kid lit and find the good stuff to read aloud.

Something else. My boys love each other so much. Tonight B got his feelings hurt and M immediately encouraged him. Earlier today, there was a small altercation that ended in beautiful peace.

Life is sweet and blessed, even in the quietness of evening.

Like a Circle

2008-02-13T19:56:00.003-06:00

M: "Mommy, I love you like a circle. It just goes around and around and never ends. That's how much I love you."

Yes, I puddle I became.

A Poem

2008-02-07T13:08:00.000-06:00

I Like Snow
by Max Maynor (Feb 2008)

Snow is like the sun
because
it sparkles
like glitter.

It makes me feel like I'm in my bed
because
it is so soft.